OREGON TRAIL, UPDATED FOR MILLENIALS

  1. Alright, you've loaded up your wagon with groceries you bought from Whole Foods with your Mom's credit card! Let's hit the trail, Boobs69!
    0 miles
  2. Oh no! You're immediately exhausted because you haven't been physically active in a decade. Binge 1 season of 'Friends' to rest. Lose 1 Day.
    0.2 miles
  3. Check snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, List App, Facebook and email. Twice.
    0.25 miles
  4. Refresh apps. Check Venmo payment descriptions.
    0.5 miles
  5. Rest for the night!
    1.0 miles
  6. Uh oh! You ran out of food because you got high last night and ate all of it before going to bed!
    1.0 miles
  7. You come across some Wild Fruit!
    1.2 miles
  8. Check phone apps.
    1.4 miles
  9. Uh oh! You messed your pants because your body isn't used to Wild Fruit!
    1.5 miles
  10. You've hit your first Landmark! The Apple Store!
    1.6 miles
  11. Continue on the trail.
  12. Uh oh! You ran out of money because you spent it all at the Apple Store!
    1.7 miles
  13. Rest for 4 days because you "can't adult today".
    1.7 miles
  14. Rest another 2 days because you matched on Tinder.
    1.7 miles
  15. Rest another 1 day because you have to show your friends what this guy sent you on Tinder.
    1.7 miles
  16. A stranger appears in the night! Do you approach?
    1.8 miles
  17. Stranger is Kris Jenner! She kills all your oxen because she's bored! You must trade for an Ox before you can continue.
    1.8 miles
  18. Rest for 3 days because you're feeling down. Binge another season of 'Friends' to cheer up.
    1.8 miles
  19. You've traded all your J Crew clothes for 1 Ox!
    1.8 miles
  20. Continue on trail.
  21. You decide to go hunting and kill 2 bottles of wine!
    2 miles
  22. Uh oh! You're drunk and post on every social media site to show your Ex that you're fine and in fact doing better without them! Lose 1 day.
    2 miles
  23. Uh oh! iPhone dies. Give proper burial?
    2.2 miles
  24. You are V bored!
    2.3 miles
  25. Uh oh! Your Ox, Khaleesi, dies because you never fed it.
    2.7 miles
  26. Uh oh! Ghost of iPhone rises from shallow grave and kills you because you didn't give it a proper burial!
    2.7 miles
  27. Game Over!