Here is my attempt to rewrite history: Growing up Catholic, what if I hadn't been afraid to tell the priest my REAL sins during my first confession?
  1. "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession."
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  2. "Very good, my son. What are your sins?"
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  3. "I have spent many hours planning and killing both adult and baby Sims in The Sims computer game."
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  4. "I see..."
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  5. "I have also exerted a real effort to see Sim women naked."
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  6. "Well, it's only a video game, I suppose...What else?"
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  7. "One time I wanted to impress my older sister's friends, so I audibly mumbled the slur 'faggot' loud enough so that they could hear."
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  8. "And just exactly what was the end goal for that one?"
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  9. "I guess I was hoping they'd be like, 'Whoa! Courtney's brother is a real bigot! Definitely not just a dumb young baby!'...Or something?"
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  10. "Uhhh...strange logic. No?"
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  11. "Also. It was me. I'm the one who tried going to 'boobs.com' and 'hotnakedwomen.com' on our home computer. Not my friend, as I originally told my mother."
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  12. "You'll have to tell your mother now, of course."
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  13. "In addition to the Sims thing, I have also spent untold hours purposely and gleefully torturing and killing patrons in a virtual theme park in Rollercoaster Tycoon."
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  14. "Seriously? More video game stuff?"
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  15. "I trapped them in a pit and watched as they lost all hope of ever going home..."
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  16. "You know, Chris, psychiatry is a wonderful profession sanctioned by the Catholic Church."
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  17. Lastly, I've given my brother multiple scars, was sexually attracted to the woman in 'Ace Ventura' even though she turned out to be a man, and told my friend's cooler older brother that the Blue Collar Comedians were my favorite stand up acts. For these sins and any sins I may have forgotten, I am truly sorry."
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  18. "Err...Let's take a little break. I need to phone the Cardinal..."
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