REWRITING HISTORY: MY FIRST CONFESSION IF I HAD BEEN HONEST

Here is my attempt to rewrite history: Growing up Catholic, what if I hadn't been afraid to tell the priest my REAL sins during my first confession?
  1. "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession."
  2. "Very good, my son. What are your sins?"
  3. "I have spent many hours planning and killing both adult and baby Sims in The Sims computer game."
  4. "I see..."
  5. "I have also exerted a real effort to see Sim women naked."
  6. "Well, it's only a video game, I suppose...What else?"
  7. "One time I wanted to impress my older sister's friends, so I audibly mumbled the slur 'faggot' loud enough so that they could hear."
  8. "And just exactly what was the end goal for that one?"
  9. "I guess I was hoping they'd be like, 'Whoa! Courtney's brother is a real bigot! Definitely not just a dumb young baby!'...Or something?"
  10. "Uhhh...strange logic. No?"
  11. "Also. It was me. I'm the one who tried going to 'boobs.com' and 'hotnakedwomen.com' on our home computer. Not my friend, as I originally told my mother."
  12. "You'll have to tell your mother now, of course."
  13. "In addition to the Sims thing, I have also spent untold hours purposely and gleefully torturing and killing patrons in a virtual theme park in Rollercoaster Tycoon."
  14. "Seriously? More video game stuff?"
  15. "I trapped them in a pit and watched as they lost all hope of ever going home..."
  16. "You know, Chris, psychiatry is a wonderful profession sanctioned by the Catholic Church."
  17. Lastly, I've given my brother multiple scars, was sexually attracted to the woman in 'Ace Ventura' even though she turned out to be a man, and told my friend's cooler older brother that the Blue Collar Comedians were my favorite stand up acts. For these sins and any sins I may have forgotten, I am truly sorry."
  18. "Err...Let's take a little break. I need to phone the Cardinal..."