Standup Jokes I've Performed to a Silent Audience
After a brief hiatus, I'm gonna get back into standup comedy. In honor of that fact, here are some jokes from my 1st and 2nd sets that didn't get any laughs. WARNING: PAINFUL TO IMAGINE
- •I opened my first set ever by 'confessing' to the audience that I was going to cut my penis off.*crickets*
- •"I wish I was asexual. Or that you could just microwave loose meet in a paper towel tube and have sex with that. But you can't. The body knows the difference, somehow."^^^me elaborating on my opener ⚰⚰⚰
- •Later I made a joke about getting turned on by pictures of trees with mouths.This whole set was supposed to be a sort of parody of bro-comedy culture. It👏🏻Did👏🏻Not👏🏻Work👏🏻Out.
- •"TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD"This is how I ended the first five minutes of my standup career, by quoting "American Psycho"...
- •SIDE NOTE: Writing standup is wildly different than any other writing I've done before. Whereas I found my 'comedic voice' in sketch fairly easily, I was (and am) having a hard time doing the same for standup.So my answer for set #2? Get WeiRdEr! SPOILER: It did not pan out.
- •I opened my second set with an elaborate AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION bit [fucking kill me] where I asked everyone to picture Mary Poppins having sex and then told them all they were now going to hell because they followed my instructions.The. Fucking. Nerve.
- •"I had originally prepared five minutes of dog period jokes for you guys, but I think I'm gonna mix it up a little."Okay, I actually still think this is funny.
- •"Honestly, what would be the evolutionary processes necessary to culminate in a Wonka Nerds mutant, anyway?"An 'observation' I thought was funny and awkwardly forced into the performance.
- •"The closest thing I've got to an X-Man in real life is my very old grandmother who still menstruates."Again, I still think this is funny.
- •TAKEAWAY #1I'm so happy I performed these two sets. They were (mostly) awful but everyone says you have to fail HARD before you're any good (at least in this field).
- •TAKEAWAY #2The worst open mic rooms can be very tough. Comedy is very competitive and I think there are *some* comedians that just want others to fail. Which can be poisonous when you're performing to a room that's 98% other performers.
- •TAKEAWAY #3I don't think I'm very good at stand up, but I think anything that pushes you outside of your comfort zone and forces you to think in a fundamentally different way is invaluable, especially in the creative field.