Standup Jokes I've Performed to a Silent Audience

After a brief hiatus, I'm gonna get back into standup comedy. In honor of that fact, here are some jokes from my 1st and 2nd sets that didn't get any laughs. WARNING: PAINFUL TO IMAGINE
  1. I opened my first set ever by 'confessing' to the audience that I was going to cut my penis off.
    *crickets*
  2. "I wish I was asexual. Or that you could just microwave loose meet in a paper towel tube and have sex with that. But you can't. The body knows the difference, somehow."
    ^^^me elaborating on my opener ⚰⚰⚰
  3. Later I made a joke about getting turned on by pictures of trees with mouths.
    This whole set was supposed to be a sort of parody of bro-comedy culture. It👏🏻Did👏🏻Not👏🏻Work👏🏻Out.
  4. "TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD"
    This is how I ended the first five minutes of my standup career, by quoting "American Psycho"...
  5. SIDE NOTE: Writing standup is wildly different than any other writing I've done before. Whereas I found my 'comedic voice' in sketch fairly easily, I was (and am) having a hard time doing the same for standup.
    So my answer for set #2? Get WeiRdEr! SPOILER: It did not pan out.
  6. I opened my second set with an elaborate AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION bit [fucking kill me] where I asked everyone to picture Mary Poppins having sex and then told them all they were now going to hell because they followed my instructions.
    The. Fucking. Nerve.
  7. "I had originally prepared five minutes of dog period jokes for you guys, but I think I'm gonna mix it up a little."
    Okay, I actually still think this is funny.
  8. "Honestly, what would be the evolutionary processes necessary to culminate in a Wonka Nerds mutant, anyway?"
    An 'observation' I thought was funny and awkwardly forced into the performance.
  9. "The closest thing I've got to an X-Man in real life is my very old grandmother who still menstruates."
    Again, I still think this is funny.
  10. TAKEAWAY #1
    I'm so happy I performed these two sets. They were (mostly) awful but everyone says you have to fail HARD before you're any good (at least in this field).
  11. TAKEAWAY #2
    The worst open mic rooms can be very tough. Comedy is very competitive and I think there are *some* comedians that just want others to fail. Which can be poisonous when you're performing to a room that's 98% other performers.
  12. TAKEAWAY #3
    I don't think I'm very good at stand up, but I think anything that pushes you outside of your comfort zone and forces you to think in a fundamentally different way is invaluable, especially in the creative field.