THINGS I WOULD DO IN HIGH SCHOOL IF I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE HAVING SEX THAT NIGHT FOR THE 1ST TIME
A list of things I would do in preparation for going out if I thought there was a chance I could lose my virginity that night.
- •Bathe in Axe Body Spray
- •Put talc powder in my Birkenstock sandals
- •Wear my good boxers from Hollister that were covered in shamrocks and said "Lucky" on the fly
- •Scrub all the skin off my face using St. Ives Apricot scrub
- •Eat a "survivor meal" of peanut butter toast and apple sauce and then nothing else for the remainder of the evening so I knew I wouldn't have food stuck in my braces
- •Listen to "The Mixtape" by Jack's Mannequin
- •Chew a stick of Big Red even though Dr. Shanker forbid it.
- •Wash my penis many times, very thoroughly.
- •Shave off my rat facial hair
- •Not wear my glasses even though I needed them to drive because I would have rather died in a car accident than risk not losing my virginity.