THINGS I WOULD DO IN HIGH SCHOOL IF I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE HAVING SEX THAT NIGHT FOR THE 1ST TIME

A list of things I would do in preparation for going out if I thought there was a chance I could lose my virginity that night.
  1. Bathe in Axe Body Spray
  2. Put talc powder in my Birkenstock sandals
  3. Wear my good boxers from Hollister that were covered in shamrocks and said "Lucky" on the fly
  4. Scrub all the skin off my face using St. Ives Apricot scrub
  5. Eat a "survivor meal" of peanut butter toast and apple sauce and then nothing else for the remainder of the evening so I knew I wouldn't have food stuck in my braces
  6. Listen to "The Mixtape" by Jack's Mannequin
  7. Chew a stick of Big Red even though Dr. Shanker forbid it.
  8. Wash my penis many times, very thoroughly.
  9. Shave off my rat facial hair
  10. Not wear my glasses even though I needed them to drive because I would have rather died in a car accident than risk not losing my virginity.