TIMES I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD CHANGE FOREVER BUT DIDN'T

  1. I thought I accidentally murdered my brother...
    He was gargling Listerine. I hit him on the back and he accidentally swallowed the whole mouthful. He turned around to me and calmly said, "Thanks, Chris. Now I have to die."
  2. I thought I discovered the sick truth that some people were turned into goats as punishment, a la "Pinocchio".
    I was at the petting zoo. In the corner of the pen was a sickly looking baby goat. Small. Whenever it bleated, it sounded disgustingly similar to the word "help".
  3. I thought I was going to die in a corn maze.
    I got legitimately, hopelessly lost in a semi-empty corn maze at a Pumpkin Patch. After maybe thirty minutes, a clown found me and carried me out.
  4. I was prepared to die in a restaurant bathroom.
    I was at a Christmas party for work at a fancy, downtown Steak House. I began choking on a piece of steak, but didn't want to make a scene so I calmly excused myself to the bathroom in order to forcefully throw it up. I was prepared to perish when I finally dislodged it.