Plot Twist: I did it with a butter knife

Warning: graphic pictures kiddos BC SO MUCH BLOOD OMFG
  1. Last Friday, I got stood up for a date.
    We had been texting up to 30 mins before we were supposed to meet, and the last thing he had said was, "Yay!" to me saying I was on my way. WTF, dude.
  2. In order to make showering, putting on real clothes, and (GASP) makeup not a TOTAL loss, I went food shopping on the way home.
    Side note: I always say food shopping but I think most people say grocery shopping and I'm a little self conscious about it but here we are.
  3. I, of course, purchased ice cream.
  4. Upon getting home and putting stuff away, I looked at my old ice cream, which was chocolate chip cookie dough. Except in a moment of weakness I had fished out all of the cookie dough and all that remained was a sad layer of vanilla with the occasional chip.
    I do what I want.
  5. Rather than waste this layer of edible creams, I charitably decided to let my dog have it.
  6. I grabbed a clean utensil off the dish rack, happened to be a butter knife, and stuck the knife in the carton to get some out for him.
  8. It turned out I sunk that lil butter knife right through the creams and the carton directly into my hand underneath.
    I don't know my own strength. Apparently.
  9. Ran hand under sink, only to see sink filling up with blood.
    The operative verb here for the bleeding has to be spurting.
  10. "I need to go to the hospital. I need to go to the hospital. I need to go to the hospital." x45
  11. I grabbed a washcloth, a fistful of paper towels, and requested an Uber to the nearest hospital.
  12. And got my first ever stitches!
  13. I now see butter knives in a whole new way.