This Is Not What I Planned and That's Probably Okay

  1. A week ago, I was preparing to start my final semester of grad school.
  2. As of yesterday, I have dropped all my classes, been refunded my tuition, and been cleared to take a year of academic leave to finish the program in 2017.
  3. It still hasn't sunk in.
  4. Mostly because I'm still processing the events that made it happen.
  5. I was suicidal last Tuesday night.
  6. I called a suicide hotline.
  7. The guy sounded stupid, so I asked for a girl, and he said that she wouldn't be back until 5pm the next day so I could call back then.
  8. ....
  9. Okayyyyyy.
  10. So I hung up because clearly this person was not fit to help me navigate this.
    No hard feelings, dude. That is probably a super hard job, and I'm sure you've helped a lot of people. I just didn't happen to be one of them.
  11. So I called my friend J, who is actually my 32 year old coworker who is actually one of the biggest supports in my life and has been a great friend to me.
  12. But he didn't pick up.
  13. It was like 10:30pm.
  14. So I took a sleeping pill and went to bed.
    Not like a lethal dose, just one, to make the day end and turn my brain off.
  15. But before I went to sleep I texted Jake and explained that I had called a hotline and would like his help navigating this and getting my therapist involved the next day.
  16. I woke up at 10am to a few texts from J telling me lots of wonderful things that I deeply appreciate and can't really share here.
  17. But I texted him back and he urged me to email my therapist even though I protested that it was his day off and he probably wouldn't see it and then he would just feel bad when he did.
  18. So I emailed him and he called me a few minutes later. And we talked for like an hour.
  19. And then the following four days included a surprise visit from my parents who took a flight to help and many sessions of family therapy and meetings with my psychiatrist and contracts that I had to sign to promise I would go to the nearest ER if I felt like that again and new rules about how often I have to check in with my parents.
  20. And the decision that I could defer the semester.
  21. So here I am and I believe that this is the best thing for me and I am only 22 and that I wouldn't have made it through another 16 weeks of that life and overall this is the right choice.
  22. And that that is not mitigated by the fact that I am still adjusting to it.
  23. Because it has only been a thing for like 4 days.
  24. And I will survive this.
  25. And I will be better for it.