THINGS I HAVE TO DO BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE, EVEN IF I'M LATE

  1. Fill in my eyebrows
    So that my face takes on a distinctively human look
  2. Check on that plant that miraculously came back to life after I killed it
    I'll never let it down again
  3. Eat something
    Even if I'm just running out, keys in one hand, single tortilla wrap flopping in the other.
  4. Try to poop
    Anything to avoid doing this in any other bathroom.
  5. Check the news/weather headlines
    In case there's some reason I can turn around and go back to bed