THINGS THAT MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE

Inspired by @biz
  1. Going to church with my parents
    On Christmas, Easter and Mothers Day
  2. Approaching the "greeters" at the church doors
    Who are just standing there, lying in wait and grinning. At what distance should I acknowledge them?
  3. Meeting my parents' church friends who have "heard so much about me"
    Do they know I'm super liberal and don't go to church? What do they know? Well, for sure they know I'm still not married.
  4. The children who sit and stare at you from their pew
    I cross my eyes at them.
  5. Singing. RIGHT NEXT TO PEOPLE
    The louder and worse you are, the clearer it is you're singing for God, I guess. Since he/she is the only one who would put up with that.
  6. The 'greet your neighbor' handshaky time
    Hi I'm probably obviously not a church goer. Bet you weren't expecting such a firm handshake from a woman.
  7. The stupid fucking collection plate.
    GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME! OH GOD WHO DO I GIVE IT TO?
  8. When the preacher brings up some coded political language
    And everyone nods vigorously or looks at each other knowingly. Stare. Straight. Ahead.
  9. When the preacher has a pretend dialogue with you from the pulpit
    "Some of you might only be here because today is ___, and you are thinking 'these people are so perfect.' Well I'm here to tell you we are not. You are thinking 'what is all this stuff' and I'm telling you it's the best news ever" etc etc etc. Maybe he's speaking for the infants in the room?
  10. The fact that everything is extremely hilarious because you're not supposed to laugh
    I just remembered the cat on the roomba video and now I'm choking to death trying not to laugh
  11. My parents asking "So what did you think?"
    With that hopeful lilt. As if I'm going to give up Wednesday night trivia for a sad single ladies bible study. Bye, y'all.