Jobs I'd Be Great At

A short time ago, I was involved in the long and arduous process of finding a job. During my search, I conducted a thorough inventory of my skills and generated a list of professions at which I would certainly excel. That list can be found below.
  1. Body guard to child actor who's career will never take off
  2. Do-over middle-schooler
  3. Small monkey taunter
  4. Small monkey taunter taunter (To keep him on his toes)
  5. Small monkey taunter taunter regulator (To make sure things stay above the belt)
  6. Sleep-study buddy
  7. Cool, crushable substitute teacher
  8. Very unprofessional wrestler
  9. Hospice assassin
  10. Cow tipper
  11. Brand ambassador for ferret Benadryl
  12. Brand ambassador for being cryogenically frozen
  13. Brand ambassador for loose cigaret salesmen
  14. Brand ambassador for head transplants
  15. Sounding Board
  16. Idol for weird teens
  17. Third wheel
  18. Mid-movie plot-explainer
  19. George Costanza
  20. Billionaire playboy who is not Batman and has no ambitions to be