Things I Won't Be Doing After Neck Surgery
So, on 11/30/2015, I will have 2 discs removed from my neck and replaced with cadaver bone. Oh, what joy! Just in time for the holidays!
- •Competing in rhythmic gymnastics.Or any other form of gymnastics. I mean I almost broke my foot on a fancy gold living room table doing a cartwheel when I was 13. Good-bye, 2016 Olympics. Sigh.
- •ShimmyingOr doing any part of Zumba. Will not be allowed to "shake it 'til I break it" until the zombie bone has fused to my spine. As shimmying is a regular, daily ritual and part of my clever spontaneous dance moves, will have to postpone my little eruptions of joy. Will still try to create random dance parties which will unfortunately not include my famous shimmy.
- •BoxingAlthough another chance at a 2016 Olympic run, must hang up my gloves probably forever.
- •Bungee JumpingDarn!
- •Tight Rope WalkerOr really any Cirque Di Soleil type of performer. Although perhaps could play clown with neck brace. Except that clowns are creepy. Especially clowns with neck braces. So, really, no Cirque performers that I could picture myself doing.
- •Race Car DriverFirst, was told if rear ended, I could die. Second, was told that I am not allowed to drive for 3 months. So, no racing for me.
- •Opera SingerNeurosurgeon basically showed me that they will go through the front of my neck and move all that throat stuff over. Small probability of losing or totally changing my voice. Karaoke may be over for me forever. Even if my father thinks I sound like Barbra Streisand( I don't) I would miss my voice.
- •High DiverDiving boards are a caution. Part of why I have to have surgery in the first place. I do love Greg Louganis. Safe to say, I have never completed a dive that looked anything like Greg Louganis. Greg Louganis may be my spirit animal.
- •Meryl Streep Stand InIt would be the darn neck brace that would throw everything off. Otherwise, I would be there.
- •Himalayan Mountain ClimberDifficult in neck brace. Don't think I could look down which is probably important when mountain climbing.
- •New Gynecologist on Mindy ProjectAlthough not totally impossible as Mindy Lahiri could always use an obstetrician in a neck brace.
- •Professional Cat WhispererEveryone knows that cats fear two things: cucumbers and humans in neck braces.
- •Porn StarNo explanation necessary.