THE MATCH CLUB® - FOR JUNIOR PYROMANIACS 🔥🙋🏼

  1. In the 70s kids like me didn't get adderall, which is how I explain a lot of my scars and The Match Club®
    They just sent me outside all day.
  2. Me and Susie Barton liked fires because watching things burn was exciting.
  3. Have you ever lit a Barbie doll's hair on fire? It's not real hair! And her whole head melts! And her eyes are just PAINT!?
    Don't light YOUR Barbie, get your sister's.
  4. And a banana seat bicycle - if you pull out the stuffing, that will also burn up quickly.
    Don't use YOUR bike dumbass, use your sister's.
  5. The initiation involved sitting in our camper (perma-parked in our driveway) and holding a lit match until it burned your fingertips (just drop it anywhere in the 100% synthetic camper, nbd).
  6. The Match Club® lit its penultimate fire at the creek, which would've been a much grander blaze if the man who no one liked hadn't started screaming.
  7. The final The Match Club® fire took place at the mother-daughter luncheon my Girl Scout troop held at the local swim club.
  8. Susie dared me to light the paper tablecloth on fire.
  9. So I did, because (according to my dad) I made bad decisions and didn't understand cause and effect.
  10. Much hysteria. Mrs. Martin deployed the fire extinguisher. I was sent home with my weeping mother and was summarily banned from all GS activities.
    NOT an "inclusive" organization AT ALL, right?
  11. For the 3rd time I was not allowed to hang with Susie.
    Which meant I had to sneak around because now I liked her more.
  12. The Match Club® disbanded and its members went on to 7th grade.
  13. My dad sold the camper and bought a boat.
    I carved my initials into the teak handrail (see first item above).