1. 7:30 am - the dogue and I went to get the paper. I got a newspaper, she got a half-eaten clamshell package of beefy macaroni out of the street. How? I live on a suburban cul de sac. Seems crime-related. I should alert NextDoor.
    Sure, I let her have some because that kind of urban hunting skill could be useful after the Trumpocalypse, and I like to use food as a reward for both of us.
  2. 8:30 am - husband says, How long has this bandaid been in my hair?
    Too long?
  3. 9:15 am - When you turn the coffee pot ON, you must also put the carafe in place.
    Trust me.
  4. 9:30 am - my dad, apropos of nothing, sends me a text that says, "Now you know your heritage. Use it well."
    Pretty sure I come from a long ass line of sharecroppers, so idk what he's asking/warning.
  5. 10-11 am - I walk the dog and after a solid 20 minutes of discomfort, I realize that I have on 2 different shoes.
    Same color family though. I keep on truckin because I'm on a mission and lulu needs to walk off that beefy mac. This could be crime related, I think.
  6. 1:30 pm - my yoga class is in savasana, the typical woo woo music is tinkling, then a disembodied voice whisper-shouts from the speakers, "NEVER DIE!" and I yelp and everyone sighs.
    Maybe it's a cult? They're all mad at me now.
  7. 3 pm - I'm at my friend's house and we go out to visit her chickens. There's a rolled up length of mesh next to the fence and THREE dead snakes are trapped in it. 2 copperheads and 1 not copperhead.
    Fuck the chickens, I'm going home. Also, the pretty red hen is now a rooster. Double also, snakes decompose crazy fast.
  8. 4:30 pm - there is NO ONE IN LINE at Starbucks!
    I think my order was repeated back to me EXACTLY the same way I placed it. Bizarre. Possibly crime or cult related.
  9. 5:30 pm - I fall asleep in my car while the kid is at the geometry tutor. I wake up because I'm covered in mosquitos.
    Zika Patient Zero in Georgia.
  10. 7:30 pm - ok no shit - a man knocks on our door saying that he has some leftover meat and would we like some. He was the passenger in a white van.
    Possibly crime related. Possibly beefy mac related. Possibly a cult.
  11. 9:00 pm - kid yells, "can you buy me a sticky bra?" then shuts the door.
    I don't know. Cult probably.
  12. Right now - there's a very melted white chocolate morsel in my cleavage.
    Possibly crime related. Possibly delicious.
  13. I gotta go now.