Ranked 💅🏻
  1. 5.
    Black industrial gloves
    On this list only bc my sugar daddy told me my gift was black, long, rubbery, and that there were two of them. Cruel every which way.
  2. 4.
    Duraflame log
    Some guy. There was a card, and inside was his graduation photo but no words. Later, when we were making out in his Pontiac Firebird, he told me the log was to let me know he wanted to "do me" in front of a roaring fire. 🔥
  3. 3.
    1 pound bag of Brach's Candy Corn, 75% off at the Rexall Drugs post-Halloween sale
    My mom. Wrapped and in a box under the tree for Christmas. My sister got a toaster.
  4. 2.
    Rotary nose hair trimmer
    My brother-in-law. And fuck you, I burned all the hair out of my nose in the 80s.
  5. 1.
    A Davy Crockett Coon Skin hat
    A grown man. "Because I like your beaver." "But this is not Beaver fur." "That don't mean I can't like YOUR beaver."