POSSIBLE MARRIAGE VOWS

  1. I vow to love you always.
  2. I vow to never again drink 2 bottles of rosé and puke up oysters.
  3. I vow to love you as much as Big Mac sauce.
  4. I vow to stop talking about cheese so much.
    A Herculean task if there ever was one.
  5. I vow to stop demanding you sleep on the couch over minor grievances.
  6. I vow to hold out as long as possible before my body inevitably becomes soft and shitty.
  7. I vow to cut back on my purchases of full flannel pajama sets.
    But am unwilling to discard the many I already own.
  8. I vow to stop applying bright red lipstick while three sheets to the wind.
  9. I vow to stop rolling my eyes so much they "might get stuck that way," as you point out frequently.
  10. I vow to stop trying to make you have sex with me while I'm wearing a Gandalf beard.
  11. I vow to stop so frankly discussing things that make you think I need to see a GI doctor.