Grief so far

As chronologically as I could remember it
  1. 1.
    Putting it off
  2. 2.
    Becoming really averse to making decisions of any kind, but especially big decisions
  3. 3.
  4. 4.
    Reconnecting with family
    In potentially big ways
  5. 5.
    Being hit by so harsh a thud of crippling depression that I literally can't bring myself to talk about that weekend because I assume that the reader would fear for my sanity and personal well-being (as I did)
  6. 6.
    Getting back to routines
    Having to remind myself (often aloud... or in some form of list) why anything I'm doing is worth doing
  7. 7.
    Eating a lot of ice cream
    Like, so much ice cream
  8. 8.
    Isolating myself from others
  9. 9.
    Reliving a lot of my childhood
  10. 10.
    The very certain realization that I am in no way a child any longer
  11. 11.
    Worrying about my family
  12. 12.
    Avoiding thinking about it
  13. 13.
    Avoiding any extracurricular thinking and opting for a lot of Netflix and books
  14. 14.
    Spending a lot of money on plane tickets
  15. 15.
    Feeling the loneliness begin to outweigh the fear of intimacy
  16. 16.
    Noticing myself being irrational, but trying to just ride through those moments and kind of not talk about them
  17. 17.
    A lot of days that are totally fine
    Making it hard to answer questions like "omg how are you?"
  18. 18.
    Watching people wanting to say something helpful or comforting, but eventually just changing the subject or not mentioning it in the first place
  19. 19.
    Laughing a lot about old times
  20. 20.
    Going through old photos
  21. 21.
    Desperate need to be home and with my family
  22. 22.
    Desperate need to get out of any experience I've ever had and just do something big and different
    I chose, trip to Europe
  23. 23.
    Being much more susceptible to stress
  24. 24.
    Spending impossibly many hours making the best damn memorial slide show anyone has ever seen
  25. 25.
    Taking the time to periodically journal and cry, more because it feels like I should than because I actually want to, but I guess it does help
  26. 26.
    Some stretches when I am just sad for a while and I just have to deal with being sad
  27. 27.
    Not believing people when they tell me that they are there if I need to talk about it
  28. 28.
    Kind of getting skirted and ignored by the counseling center in town
  29. 29.
    Feeling oddly unexcited about exciting plans
  30. 30.
    Finally understanding what "triggering" means