WHY I FEEL GUILT
I'm working to deconstruct why I feel semi-constant guilt and shame and I want to find a through line
- •Canceling plansI often times create plans because of my inability to say no. I then cancel the plans because I didn't really want to attend them in the first place. Also sometimes I'll make plans when I'm feeling well and healthy and ambitious but when it comes time to attend I can't get out of bed. I feel guilty because I often lie when cancelling because I'm ashamed of my real excuses and don't feel that they are good enough.
- •Over indulgenceI feel most guilty on days after I drink too much. Part of it comes from the shame I experience when I'm hungover. Part of it comes from knowing I need to work on controlling myself. Sometimes I feel guilty because I spend money like crazy when I'm drunk. It's not just the over indulgence of booze that guilts me, it's also the over indulgence of food, money, freedom, fun, and sexuality that makes me wake up feeling like I committed a crime.
- •HonestyI struggle to be honest when I am afraid. I struggle to be honest when I feel trapped. How can I expect to tell other people the truth when a majority of my life has been spent not even being honest with myself?
- •Food/financesI understand that a large part of my financial burdens come from disproportionate spending on going out for food/drinks. I also understand that my relationship with food has been a complicated one for many years and that associating guilt with eating isn't new. Sometimes I will go an entire 48 hours without eating because non of the food in my apartment seems appetizing and I don't want to spend money on what I really want, which is generally unhealthy.
- •Lazy DaysI'm at this point in my life where I'm attempting not to use alarms. I don't want to work 60+ hours a week anymore. Frankly I don't even want to work 40+ hours a week right now. I'm searching for sustainability and I'm on the complete opposite side of the spectrum than I was 3 years ago when it comes to how I want to spend my days and how I want to make my money. This is very new for me and so it feels slightly empowering but is also a source of guilt.