CHAPTER TITLES FOR MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

  1. Looking for Linguine in all the Wrong Places
    This chapter details my lifelong obsession with Olive Garden and their complementary breadsticks
  2. How to Make Friends and Outsmart Corrupt Government Officials
    We take a journey to a time when I was screaming at a Phnom Penh banker who didn't want to give me $50 from my bank account. We later became friends and he emails me occasionally.
  3. I Secretly Love Telemarketers
    I don't have the heart to tell the Blood Bank of Virginia that I'm not eligible to donate blood and to ask them to remove me from their call list. We always have really great monthly conversations, and I would miss them.
  4. A Passion for Macaroni and Cheese
    This chapter describes the commitment ceremony between me and a particularly good bowl of mac & cheese.
  5. I Wish More People Appreciated the U2 Album that was Put on our Phones by Apple
    It was a good album.
  6. I'm Always Skeptical of Weather.com
    I have no reason to distrust the good weather reporters of Weather.com, but I always do. This has lead to me being snowed in and trapped in a small room with a bunch of professors during a tornado.
  7. Stacking Sheep
    After watching Crocodile Dundee, my parents informed me that sheep have the capability of walking on top of each other. I didn't know this until I was 19 years old. I suddenly felt like I was a huge fraud.
  8. I Didn't Know Pork was Pig Until I Was 14
    WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO WILBUR??????!!
  9. Places I've Lived
    People always want to know why I move a lot, so I've resorted to giving them crazy reasons. Like "oh, did you not know that my family has the biggest drug cartel on the East Coast?" or "we're trying to escape the ghost of my great grandmother"