SOME RULES (AND NON-RULES) OF MY CHILDHOOD

Some could partially be to blame for my chase of a comedy career.
  1. Jeans, t-shirts, sweatpants, sweatshirts.
    These are things I was forbidden from wearing to my PUBLIC school. Imagine how cool I was the first day of 3rd grade, wearing penny loafers, pleated khakis, suspenders, and a nice button down shirt. I was basically the most republican you've ever seen.
  2. Unplug the VCR when you're done
    Still not sure why. I just know that, while every light in our house was always on, the VCR had to be unplugged. I would still set the click when I plugged it in, even though I knew it would soon be ruined. Probably because I was 6 and wearing khakis.
  3. Uniquely compliment every dinner my mother cooked
    This one is pretty sweet actually. My mom cooked every single night which was amazing of her. My sister really only liked chicken and broccoli so we had the same 5 meals over and over. Coming up with adjectives to show appreciation with a 7 (when I was 11) year old's vocabulary was way to difficult though. So the rule faded.
  4. Wearing cologne to bed
    I was allowed to do this. And I did. Often. My reasoning was simple. I would tell my mom "what if I meet a beautiful woman in my dreams?!" The phase didn't last long. I was 6. I was also wearing Polo, which scientifically only attracted women 50 and over to my dreams.
  5. Walking/riding my bike to school
    Starting at 5. Look at a five year old. Now imagine that child walking to school.
  6. No helmets required
    I thought I should wear a helmet when riding my bike. My mom didn't find it necessary. She thought my khakis would protect me. We compromised, I wore a novelty, plastic, Oakland A's baseball helmet that wouldn't protect you in a wiggle ball game.
  7. Swearing. Strictly prohibited.
    This is pretty normal. Although I grew up thinking "fart" was a swear word. So much so that when my sister and father (both of the classic 80's "step" variety) moved in I told in her for saying the "F" word. We were 7. She knew that the word "fuck" existed so she denied saying the F word. I whispered to my mom she said "fart." Neither of us got in trouble for saying it.