PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES IF THEY WERE DOGS
With the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries appearing on the horizon, election season is heating up. Important questions are being asked; perhaps none more important than "what breed of dogs would the candidates be if they're turned into dogs through a messed up experiment?" I, as America's most gifted thinker, tried to answer this pressing question.
- •Hillary Clinton: a labradoodleThere's something artificial about Clinton, Hillary. She says and does (for the most part) all the right things, but her actions never quite feel genuine--almost as if she's reading from a playbook instead of positing her sincere beliefs. There isn't a better surrogate than a hypoallergenic, selectively breed labradoodle. They're good dogs--good with kids, fun to own--but they're not quite as appealing as more rambunctious options. Oh well, we're all going to vote for her anyways. See ya in DC.
- •Donald Trump: That messed up dog that won the thanksgiving dog show. Here I'll just find a picture of it because you've really got to see this dog.I mean, just look at this thing: What the hell is it? Is it a dog or a background character from the Cantina scene in Star Wars? Just like Trump only exists because he grew up with money, isolated from the real world, this thing can only exist in the weirdo dog show world. Its primped and fluffed and doesn't have a footing in reality. Introducing reality, striping away the pampering and affluence, this messed up dog is nothing more than a weirdly shaped skeleton. Just like Trump.
- •Bernie Sanders: a beautiful yellow lab you imagine as a kid but never actually own (please be nice to me sanders people, I will probably vote for him in the primary and you guys can be very, very mean, I'm cool I promise).In a perfect world everything Sanders advocates is implemented, and the world is a scenic, harmonious place where everybody's clothed, educated, and healthy. But our country is, and promises to always be, imperfect. Even if Sanders stuns the election a scenario where his platform is fully actualized is unlikely. Because of the fanciful nature of his campaign, Sanders is most like the bandana wearing, frisbee fetching dog you envision as a kid when you want a dog, but aren't allowed to own one.
- •Ted Cruz: The dingo from the joke about a dingo eating your babyTed Cruz is the weasel looking kind of guy. It's something with his eyes. There's something deceptive, something dangerous, lurking behind his eyes. Cruz presents himself as an upholder of American values against a persistent secular threat, but the policies he's wishes to employ are dangerous, hateful, and exploitative. Also I wouldn't put it past him to actually eat an actual baby.
- •Jeb Bush: a sad stray looking into the window of a restaurant where you're eating, just desperate for your love and attention.What can Jeb do to make you guys like him? He didn't mean to pee on the floor; he just didn't know where the doggie door was. He didn't want to ruin that big dinner with your boss by shaking gross pond water all over his wife. He was just happy to have guests over and meet new people. So you took him downtown and abandoned him. He'll be there, though, waiting if you ever have a change of heart. And maybe he'll find a new family (a book deal, the public speaking tour, etc.).
- •Marco Rubio: a Great Dane, not a chihuahua because that would probably be racist
- •Rand Paul: the actual chihuahua, but if only if it vapes in fast food restaurants and starts yelling about freedom if you ask it to stop.He's yippy, fiery, and thinks he's more of a threat than he actually is. Also he thinks you should be allowed to vape wherever you want and doesn't think it looks like a genie is about to appear
- •John Kasich: a German Shepard that works as a police dog and is close to retirement and is getting too old for this shit.Kasich, a man who once called the Blockbuster corporate office trying to get the movie Fargo banned, is the only rational candidate running in the Republican primary. That's nuts. While I personally agree with very few of his positions (especially on the movie Fargo), of all the candidates vying for the Republican nomination he's probably the best equipped for the job. I'm worried, though, that bottling up his anger and disgust at the other candidates will cause an aneurysm and he will die.
- •Dr. Ben Carson: the breed doesn't matter as long as it's been jolted out of a deep, deep sleep and barks so slowly you forget it ever started barking in the first place.
- •Mike Huckabee: an old dog at the pound that nobody wants to adopt because it had puppies and still has visible nipples.And like it really, really let's you know it has nipples. Like its rolling around on its back, making you extremely uncomfortable but you can't look away.
- •Martin O'Malley: I can barely remember his name is Martin. Do you really think I'm going to put in the work to think of a dog that describes him? Wait is his name Martin? Real question.
- •Carly Fiorina: a greyhound that ran the company she was in charge of into the ground.You can't run on your proficiency in business when you bankrupt your company.
- •Chris Christie: a cartoon bull dog with a stereotypical New York accent who's owned by the protagonist in a kid's movie.I know Christie is from New Jersey, but there's no way he's not the villain dog from a kids movie. The dog that pops up last minute when the heroes are trying stop the evil industrialist from building a mall where the rec center once was or something like that. I'll be honest, I forgot Christie and am adding him last minute.