SPOOKY THINGS FROM HALLOWEEN ARE NOT ACTUALLY SPOOKY
Halloween's dirty secret is that nothing about it is very scary. When it's only function is being scary, that's kind of a deal breaker. We're supposed to be terrified of cob webs and cardboard cut outs of skeletons and zombies, but has anybody ever truly been afraid of a card board cut out? Probably not. So I'm taking these things down a notch.
- •A witchA witch is certainly the only truly scary thing about Halloween. While not necessarily the strongest or most immediately intimidating, they have magic. That means they can do anything they want. Magic makes anything possible. So if a witch wanted to be super jacked or big they could just make it happen with magic. They also have green skin and warts so they aren't really anything to look at. There's a lot of gross things in their potions and you don't want to drink stuff like that; it tastes bad
- •A Frankenstein's MonsterI definitely wouldn't want to be confronted by a Frankenstein's Monster. They are incredibly strong and could probably rip you up into tiny pieces if he wanted to. That said, if you were ever face to face with a Frankenstein's Monster, you can just show it some compassion. All Frankenstein's Monsters want is some love. If a monster can be disarmed with "I love you" is it ever really a monster? Yes, because they're made up of a bunch of different people sewn together.
- •Creepy CrawliesCreepy Crawlies are the only real world thing on this list. But they're not really that scary. While a spider or scorpion could bite you in the leg when you're sleeping, if you see one you can just step on it. It doesn't make sense to be afraid of creepy crawlies because you are so much bigger than them. Plus most creepy crawlies have a purpose. Spiders kill mosquitos and worms aerate our gardens and farms. So, unless you're sleeping, don't be afraid of them. Embrace them as our friends.
- •A sketetonIn theory skeletons are very scary. They can take on a bunch of different forms, holding swords or manning a guillotine. There's nothing scarier than getting your head chopped off by a skeleton. Unfortunately, in reality, skeletons are just really old dead guys, with all the meat rotted off. In the end, they're really just bones. And bones aren't scary at all. Chicken wings have bones in them, and that doesn't scare anybody off. We all love chomping on wings, so skeletons are actually tame.
- •ZombiesZombies aren't really that scary. They're really slow, and have trouble navigating doors. If one's chasing you, just pick up the pace above slow and you'll probably survive. If a monster can be evaded by jogging, it really isn't that scary, even if they want to chow down on your leg meat. People have plans for zombie attacks, but that isn't necessary. Keep up on your cardio and calisthenics and you'll be fine. Plus, if zombies don't attack, you'll have a nice body from all that extra exercise.
- •A draculaDraculas are a lot like zombies, except biting you over and over again, they just bite you once. They have a lot of rules too. They can't even come into your house unless you ask them too. Avoid going out at night if you can. And if you wanna go out, just carry garlic with you. Or move to Italy. There's absolutely no chance a Dracula would ever go to Italy; too much risk. Then you'd get to live in Italy and I hear it's beautiful there. I've never been because I'm not afraid of draculas.
- •I'm not finished with Draculas yet.More on how lame draculas are. It wouldn't even be that bad to be one. You get to chill in a giant castle, sleep in a casket (caskets look really comfortable), and occasionally a lady stops by. You can go out at night, which is the best time to go out anyways. If you're a Dracula you can party with the town folk, pick up a lady, and head back to your mansion for a roll in the casket. Honestly it sounds like a pretty chill life.
- •A black catOne time I pet a black cat. I am still alive and doing pretty well all things considered. Next!
- •Wait are black cats witches? Like how draculas turn into bats (another knock against draculas btw. You get to fly!)? That changes everything. If you own a black cat, watch out. I'm not saying drown it in the bathtub or anything that extreme, but keep an eye on it.
- •Pumpkins with faces carved in themPumpkins? Pumpkins? You're coming at me with pumpkins? We turn their guts into pies! We toast their young in the oven and eat them as a healthy snack! You leave them outside for a couple days and they collapse. People don't even carve faces into them that much anymore. Now people darth vaders and lion kings into their pumpkins. A real darth vader is scary. A pumpkin darth vader? You can't hear or see me, but I'm rubbing my eyes and yawning.