Celebrities Whom I Would Let Adopt Me Tomorrow

  1. Tom Hanks
    He is the epitome of "Dad" with his Twitter antics and interrupting wedding photos in Central Park. He would always ask me if I had filled up my car recently and try to sneak me $10 for gas, thinking that would cover a full tank. He'd end every text with "Love, Hanx" like he was sending me an email.
  2. Oprah
    So she'd be a little absentminded mommy, but I'm cool with it. I'd be slightly embarrassed by how much she dotes on her dogs (they aren't my sisters, they're your pets) but she would be the BEST gift giver and she would tell me when I'm being a brat while simultaneously showing how to truly behave like a grown ass woman
  3. Bryan Cranston
    Oh B. When he plays the role of Tim Kaine in the inevitable movie about this dumpster fire of an election, he'll bring me to set so I can meet former President Hillary Clinton who is producing the film. He'll always be available for brunch and insist on me coming around for every holiday, including President's Day.
  4. Sandra Bullock
    Mama Sandy would be the chill mom; she's busy with the younger babies, but she'd make time for delicious Tex-Mex meals in Austin. She'd be surprisingly strict but her homemade Snickerdoodles would be life-changing.
  5. Bill Murray
    Pops Murray would be a bit of a flake, but just like he helped out at his son's bar, he'd help me out whenever he could. We'd spend a lot of time at home, eating food off the grill and most of our conversations would be borderline nonsensical, but he would instill a great love of the Cubbies for me. And we'd always be sure to recycle all of our empties after family get-together.