1. So I have a sizable birth mark on my right side
    Static
  2. It's on my abdomen/rib cage and it looks like a chain of islands
    My old boss at the pool used to call it "Fiji" even though it looks nothing like Fiji
  3. I didn't actually have it when I was born
  4. It showed up when I was three years old and my mom was convinced I had a flesh-eating bacteria or a tropical virus (we had just come back from vacation) and hysterically took me to the doctor
    I have no memory of this but I've been assured it was amazing
  5. Anyway, I used to hate it when I was younger because people would point at it and be like "DID SOMEONE POOP ON YOUR STOMACH?" "WHAT's WRONG WITH YOU?"
    You know, typical stuff that devastates a child
  6. And my parents promised I could get it removed when I stopped growing at age 15
    Joke's on them because I stopped growing in the 4th grade!
  7. But as I got older and developed more confidence and a better sense of humor, I realized that my birthmark was no big deal
  8. My favorite thing to do was to wear my two-piece lifeguard swimsuit and wait for kids/creepy parents to ask what was on my side
  9. Most of the time, I'd reply, "It's a scar." 😁
  10. And they'd ask, "Whoa, from what?" 😱
  11. And I'd reply with, "My twin sister and I were conjoined at birth and this is the scar from our separation surgery. I'm the evil left twin." 😈
  12. And yes, I was totally inspired by this episode of The Simpsons
    Giphy downsized medium
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  16. The number of people who believed me is astounding
    Come on, folks.
  17. So, lesson learned: embrace your awesome birthmarks and think of good stories to fuck with people.