Facebook now has Break-Up Protection for bitter exes. We need these next.
  1. #Blessed Protection
    Never seeing this again would be #great.
  2. F.O.M.O. Protection
    Friends will never visibly party without you.
  3. "Thanks for all the birthday wishes!" Protection
    We get it. You have a lot of friends.
  4. Guilt Trip Protection
    The world's first anti-passive-aggression algorithm.
  5. Pity Like Protection
    Believe all your likes.
  6. Child Development Milestone Protection
    Oh, Billy can walk? You've been walking for years. Relax, Billy.
  7. "This." Protection
    No matter what "This." is, we'll block it.
  8. Politics Protection
    Scrub your feed of opposing viewpoints. And concurring viewpoints. See no viewpoints of any kind.
  9. Pet Protection
    Sends pet pictures to a nice farm upstate where you can't see them.
  10. "Kind of Day" Protection
    Is it a Cher kind of day? Or a Björk kind of day? It's definitely a "you don't care" kind of day.