People At the Gym, If They Were A Rolling Stones' Song Title

everyone's favorite and least favorite people we encounter at the gym
  1. Waiting On a Friend
    This guy shows up 15-30 minutes before his lifting partner. My man sets his bag on the bench and waits like an eager puppy, head on a swivel, doing stretches you didn't even know existed just to hold the bench and pass time. This should b illegal. His buddy, late as usual, is always bigger and a more accomplished lifter with classic alpha confidence. Mr. Waiting On A Friend is definitely bulky but far from the A+ physique and charisma his buddy possesses.
  2. Jumpin' Jack Flash
    This is the guy who, by no means, does any conventional lifting. Everything he does is elaborate and excessive. He doesn’t bench, leg press, dead lift, curls, you name it, he’s off it. Homeboy is taking up an entire squat rack, eight medicine balls, and a yoga mat just to do some hybrid workout he invented in his basement. He’s always wearing something neon and usually has shoulder length hair flowing from an oversized headband.
  3. Salt Of The Earth
    This is the older guy who has seen some shit. He’s in there every day in ratty beat up clothes looking to balance out the alcoholic tendencies that kick in after 6pm. His wife may be divorced or dead, but he’s far from lonely. He still has a loving bond with his children who bring the grandkids over every weekend.
  4. Brown Sugar
    The sexy black girl in there putting in work. Actually, the only black girl in there. You’re from a white suburb, remember.
  5. Midnight Rambler
    This guy only shows up late as shit to the 24 hour gyms, because he’ll be damned if a crowd is going to slow down his routine. He’s always wearing a hat pulled over his eyebrows, because even though you’re the only other person in there, he doesn’t want to be bothered. He’s not lifting to be noticed. No one really knows why he does it.
  6. She's a Rainbow
    The cute girl you make eye contact with all the time, but you can’t tell if it’s because she into you too or you’re just a creep and she’s scared. You can never get close because you know it isn’t real and she’s just another cute girl at the gym.
  7. Starf*cker
    The good looking woman, usually with a fake set of hoots and bucket bleach blonde hair, constantly flirting with the biggest and best looking dudes at the gym. She’s always there, but hardly working out because she’s too busy chatting up a way to get homeboy to hit the bar with her later.
  8. Beggars Banquet [album title]
    Similar to the starfucker, but with a much lower success rate. This the guy at the gym, who always has a towel over his shoulder, walking around trying to give the hunnies a few pointers on their form. Constantly asking if they need some personal training for cheaper than the staff will provide. There’s a 90% chance he’s gonna put his leg up on the bench and pelvic thrust right in your face when he comes over to introduce himself.