YOGA FOR THE UTTERLY DISINCLINED

  1. Downward Spiral
    Lie flat on your back in the middle of a room, any room, sighing repeatedly until you feel like everyone has gotten the point to leave you alone. If you seek a deeper pose for greater effectiveness, you may also cry softly.
  2. Inverted Cobra
    For work-related tension. Curl up in a ball underneath your desk. If anyone enters, hiss at them until they leave.
  3. Blossoming Lotus
    Sit cross-legged on floor with Asian take-out. Focus all your attention on the rerun of Friends in front of you.
  4. Happy Cloud*
    Take 4-6 pulls off an OG Kush pre-roll and put your phone in airplane mode. Traditionally a sitting pose, but walking is an option for advanced practitioners. *Please be advised this pose is only legal in 4 states.
  5. Happy Rain Cloud
    Happy Cloud with a fresh LaCroix in each hand
  6. Nirvanavasana
    An extended cycle that moves through Bleach, Nevermind, and In Utero. Breathe deeply before each verse or chorus, to ensure that the screams are drawn directly from the pure, hardened core of your worldly angst. This a classic tension tamer for traffic-heavy days.
  7. Modified Sun Salutation
    Upon waking, stand erect and walk to the nearest window, preferably east-facing, and extend middle finger to the sun. Repeat on other side. Go back to bed until noon.
  8. Nesting Crow
    Wrap yourself in a down comforter, surrounded by pillows, and binge-watch every season of Game of Thrones from the beginning.
  9. Nautilus
    Sit slumped in a chair, shoulders curled forward, and head tilted down over smartphone. Hold for...ever.
  10. Woman's Pose
    Curl up in fetal position with your weight resting on the knees and feet, arms down by your sides, and forehead on ground. Chant five "Beyoncé" and take a sip of red wine. Repeat until salary increases.