FINANCIAL ADVICE RANKED FROM SOUND TO RISKY

  1. 1.
    Monitor your spending and create a budget.
    This is an important step to getting a handle on your finances. Luckily, there a very helpful apps like Mint.com that make this a breeze. Even most online banking sites will help you organize and break down your spending. Once you see where your money's going, see where you can trim some fat, create a budget and stick to it. Periodically reanalyze your budget and adjust it accordingly.
  2. 2.
    Set money aside every paycheck.
    The general rule of thumb is to have at least 6 months salary set aside in your Savings account in case of emergencies. Open a Savings account (if you haven't already) and start setting aside at least 15% off your salary every month until you have a decent emergency fund. And then keep saving!
  3. 3.
    Pay off high interest credit cards and loans.
    If you have credit cards with high interest rates, see if you qualify for a credit card with an introductory 0% APR for the first year or more. If you have loans, see if you qualify for a lower interest personal loan and make an aggressive pay down plan.
  4. 4.
    Sign up for a 401k.
    If your workplace matches your contributions make sure you to commit to at least that amount. Increase your donations as your salary goes up.
  5. 5.
    Look into an HSA.
    A Health Savings Account is a way to set aside your pretax income for medical costs and purchases. These accounts help you in several ways, first your taxable income goes down, which can reduce the taxes you pay come April. Secondly, it's a great way to start a emergency fund for unforeseen medical costs. Third, you can use the HSA card to pay for things you need anyway like prescription glasses, contacts, dental work, and even LASIK! There's even options to invest your pretax dollars.
  6. 6.
    Invest in a low fee Index.
    Investment firms like Vanguard now offer indexes that take the guess work and human error out of investing. They work by using algorithms that mimic that stock market and make you a similar return on investment. Even Warren Buffet has advocated skipping the hedge fund managers and just putting your money in an index along with bonds. And it's never been easier with new apps like Acorns and WiseBanyan, there no hefty minimum to invest and very few if any fees.
  7. 7.
    Join the ride sharing economy.
    If you find yourself with some spare time after working two part-time jobs, consider joining a ride-sharing service like Uber, Lyft or Sidecar. They give you the opportunity to leverage the precious few hours of downtime you have in your day to shuttle around thankless strangers. Remember, while you are taking on the extra risks of driving without any company benefits and incurring costly gas and data expenses, you're also making an out-of-touch tech entrepreneur a billionaire!
  8. 8.
    Play the lottery.
    The lottery is a great way to save for retirement. If you start playing at 22 you will probably win at least a few million bucks by 65. You have a 50% chance of winning every time you play and those odds go up if you use a combination of your lucky numbers. If you need money fast, scratchers are a great way to make some extra cash. If you lose, just keep buying scratchers until you make a profit. To increase your profitably, reinvest your winnings in more Scratchers!
  9. 9.
    Steal money from your mom's purse.
    This can be a great source of money in a fix. If you have siblings that your mother would suspect over you then you can keep the suspicion off of yourself for at least several months. If you have access to her jewelry, rare coins, etc. you can increase your cash flow even more! Make sure that you find a disreputable Pawn Shop and/or Jewelry and Gold merchant in your area before hand.
  10. 10.
    Embezzle from your workplace.
    Depending on where you work this can be another great source of extra income. Let's face it, where ever you work, they aren't paying you nearly enough for this shit. So if you work at a register, take some money for yourself every once in awhile. The world won't end if you're out a little bit every once in awhile. Make sure you check what angle the security cameras can't see you. If you have a white collar job, make up expenses to bill to the company, and take cash from your coworkers wallets.
  11. 11.
    Scam the elderly.
    Old people are trusting, confused, and easily swindled. This makes them a great target for scams! Try to find a list of older people's home phones (they all still have them) and try out a few scams. A list AARP members or a directory for Daughters of the American Revolution is a great start. Or check out your local Elk lodge! When scamming make sure to use frightening threats of being jailed or fined or convince them they have a dangerous computer virus.
  12. 12.
    Steal identities.
    The great thing about identities is that they are plentiful and almost all of them have money that's not yours which you can use to purchase much needed items, like expensive blenders and Playstation 4s. Identities have become quite easy to obtain on Russian sites due to an abundance of far reaching hacks. Just download Tor and go to your favorite coffee shop to surf for an identity that's right for you!
  13. 13.
    Join a violent gang.
    Gangs are a not only a great way to network, but can also be quite lucrative! Many gangs are involved in illegal gambling and drug trafficking which are both wildly efficient ways to maximize profits. And with the threat of bodily harm to your clientele and their families, collecting your payment is almost always no sweat! Be prepared to take illicit drugs to prove you aren't a Narc, beat squelchers within an inch of their lives and do time for your superiors. No one likes a Snitch!
  14. 14.
    Fake your own death.
    Make sure to get a nice big life insurance policy first and name your accomplice as the beneficiary. Remember, they'll be watching you closely afterwards so keep a low profile for a few months. Fiery car crashes and accidental house fires are great ways to fool your insurance because they often leave behind hard-to-identify remains. Be creative!
  15. 15.
    Murder and impersonate your twin.
    This works well with the previously mentioned insurance fraud. Your twin has just been holding you back and stealing the resources you need to succeed. By using the skills you developed stealing others identities, assuming your exact double's life should be a breeze! Be sure to leave clues that point to a believable suspect and get used to answering to your new name!