I know you can't hold a baby accountable for their actions; intellectually I know that. But these are some of the things that make me yell, "aw c'mon! really baby?!"
  1. Spits up on me... every. time.
    Lately it's all cooing and babbling with my wife and then a nice thick lather of spit up for me. When I'm about wrap her up in the Moby Wrap? Spit up everywhere. Spit up is my primary form of skincare.
  2. Attempts to hurl herself to the floor while I am trying to fill her bottle.
    She is a chill little Fonzie in my arms until the moment I try a one-handed bottle fill-up. Then she spazzes in every direction (that isn't toward my chest) and does her damnedest to nose dive into the linoleum. This often ends up in LOST BREASTMILK aka LIQUID GOLD. Whoever said don't cry over spilt milk was obviously not familiar with the trials of breastfeeding.
  3. Cries as soon as my wife leaves the bed.
    A lot of times my wife will breastfeed our daughter in bed and then kind of let her doze. But when my wife leaves the bed to go pump or take a shower, a few minutes later my daughter is screaming like a banshee. The practical effect it has on me is that I go to sleep next to my wife but at 5 am she has transformed into a screaming baby. It's still jarring, every time.
  4. Digs her fingernails into my nipples.
    Damn this hurts. Sometimes I get the feeling that she thinks I'm fully capable of producing milk and I'm just holding out on her. And those fingernails are sharp as little diamonds. I cut them (the precision and dread of cutting a baby's nails is another list all its own) but they grow back so fast! Sometimes she'll go for the nipple clench armpit hair yank combo which is comically painful.
  5. Cries every time I set her down.
    Setting a baby down is the cardinal sin you can commit in a baby's eyes. They need all your attention all of the time and if you set them down for one second to attend to anything else (making coffee, going pee, getting dressed) they sense that they are no longer the center of your universe and become enraged. They are jealous, petty gods, babies. You shall put no other task before them lest you feel their piercing and immediate wrath. This includes tasks that are for her benefit i.e. #2
  6. Grows up and moves away and makes a life of her own and it seems to be happening just when you realize how beautiful it all was and you want to go back and do it all over again but you also know it is right for her and it is bittersweet.
    Suggested by @gwcoffey