Requested by Jacob Reed

THINGS NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT BEING A DAD

here are some key things all your new parent friends leave out
  1. you're going to poop while holding/wearing your baby.
    it's just unavoidable. it becomes a kind of nice bonding time. hey, it's more productive than staring at your phone.
  2. you're going to bump her head pretty hard and tell her "you're ok honey."
    and guess what? she's fine.
  3. you're going to forget to buckle her car seat completely and not notice til you get home.
    this one sounds bad. and it is. but because those car seats you can take out of the car are so useful as just general baby holding devices/ strollers you unhook your baby while she's chilling and totally forget to hook her back in. It's only happened to me once... ok?!
  4. you're going to arrive at work with poop on your shirt.
    you won't notice it until it's too late. you will tell people it's a mustard stain. you'll frantically scrub it with wet paper towels at your earliest convenience. you will still have poop on your shirt. you will get through it.
  5. your mother will not believe any of the new medical baby rearing guidelines, advancements, or findings that have occurred since she was pregnant.
    it is futile. prepare to hear "well you turned out fine" every time. hopefully your lifetime of her guilt trips has given you the ability to manipulate her in to "respecting your wishes as parents." good luck.
  6. you're going to be changing two sets of diapers.
    your baby's and your wife's. that's right. guess what just happened to her? she squeezed more than several pounds of baby out of her cha cha. it stretched. it ripped. it was sewn back together. like any recent wound, it's gonna take time to heal. so stop being a stupid jerk and help her warm up some water for her rinse bottle and then go see what the baby needs. HURRY!
  7. you're not getting laid.
    ok you knew this one. but the timeframe that book told you to expect is wrong. it's double that. the day your pathetic advances work on your wife again are awhile off. also, she still won't like it very much even then. but luckily, you are a loving, secure and patient husband that can remember that your sexual frustration is almost comically insignificant compared to the changes (lactating, hormones, stretch marks, depression, pumping, hair loss) your wife is experiencing postpartum.
  8. your not going to be using that nursery anytime soon.
    yup that one your wife is freaking out about about finishing. with all that neat salvaged furniture you sanded and painted. that crib you blackened several fingernails assembling. it's a glorified storage room. sure you'll change the occasional diaper there and you might venture in for a cute outfit once in awhile, but your baby is sleeping in the bassinet next to your bed for the next 7-8 months. cuz it's safer, easier and closer.
  9. your boss is going to ask "what's been going on with you lately?"
    they will immediately dismiss what you're about to say with"I know that you've had a lot to deal with the new baby and all but..." and proceed to chastise your performance of late. you will be too tired to form any kind of reasonable response. just let it roll over you. you'll get good at that. remember that they have their boss breathing down their neck to reach whatever arbitrary goal is important this week. you only have so much bandwidth. don't take it too personal. you know your priorities.