THINGS YOUR EARLY 20S YOUNG JERK SELF AND EARLY 30S NEW FATHER SELF HAVE IN COMMON

some similarities between your quarter life crisis and new parent crisis
  1. you're relieved when it's just a fart and not poop.
  2. you haven't had sex in months.
  3. you find yourself cleaning puke off your shirt at three in the morning.
  4. you're really into restaurants that have drive-thrus and/or deliver.
  5. you spend all your money on stuff you won't use in a few months.
  6. you convince yourself you need a new car.
  7. you grow a beard.
  8. you consistently roll into work on 2 of hours sleep.
  9. you have no idea what you're doing.
  10. nobody likes your beard.