things i should probably have acquired by 27

i'll be 27 in a few months! happy birthday me! here's a bunch of basic things i should have taken care of by now!
  1. a drivers license
    i have no clue how anyone drives a car. the only time i ever drove was in my mom's shitty geo metro in a tiny parking lot, and she stopped me after like thirty seconds cuz i almost crashed into a pole.
  2. practical skills
    i don't really know how to do anything useful! i can't program a software or fix a plumbing or anything cool! uh oh!
  3. a dog
    most people who like dogs have a dog or several - i like dogs but i don't even have one!
  4. a diploma
    i never went to school so i don't even have a single diploma to put on my stupid wall!
  5. major financial debt
    i never went to school so i don't even have a crushing student loan that will haunt me forever!
  6. an std
    i don't even have a single gonnorhea to call my own - when will my reflection show???
  7. a huge rash
    lord knows i've had my brushes with acne and other assorted blemishes, but it's never broken out into a full blown rash! ugh!!
  8. a craven curse from a warlocks tongue
    my parents always taught me to be courteous to wizards and witches. what am i missing out on??
  9. a secret
    please somebody tell me a secret