HATE LIST

For @audrey - TBT to the first time we bonded when I read this to you 3 years ago. This is a list transcribed and edited from a note on my phone that's been going since I was 16. Many more items, but these are a few.
  1. Talking about Scientology.
  2. Chip on shoulder narratives.
  3. Use of the term "shrink" instead of "therapist"
    Should be called a "grow."
  4. When people who want to stay out of an argument say they are "Switzerland."
  5. When someone in 2016 STILL tells you to "mapquest" the directions.
  6. When people put a video in front of me and tell me to watch it.
    And how they watch me expectantly.
  7. Analysis of historical political cartoons as a classroom teaching technique.
    Don't want to see a pig dressed as Stalin
  8. "You are my rock"
  9. The app "Newstand"
    CANT DELETE THIS
  10. Uninvited clapping.
  11. When people say "everyone can't" when they mean "not everyone can."
    There's a difference!
  12. When people say they are/are being awkward. Hide that.
  13. When restaurants give you chips
    When you were hoping for fries
  14. "Can" or "Jon" to refer to the bathroom
  15. When people in HS math class would say "When are we gonna use this?"
  16. "You're the ting to my yang"
  17. When Americans speaking Spanish say "pawsibilidad" or "awpertunidad"
  18. The "and many moooore" part of the happy birthday song.
  19. When people you're chillin with inappropriately ask "So, what do you wanna do?"
    When you already think you're having a good time
  20. Wordsearches
    Crosswords for infants
  21. That "15" and "50" sound similar.
    "No, it took fif-TEEEEEEEE minutes"
  22. "I make a *mean* (salsa)"
    No, you probably don't.
  23. The way you move apps around on iPhones
    Wobble wobble wobble, draaaaaaaag, DROP, leave collateral damage everywhere
  24. The names Brendan Brandon Branden Brendon Brenden
  25. The names Brett and Brent
  26. Shaq's critiques of modern centers
    Disciplinary masculinity if I've ever seen it
  27. The interjection "and I quote: "
    Try an imitation or something jeez
  28. "Over-exaggerate"
    Like "Yeah, he should have exaggerated, just not THAT much." That's not what you mean!
  29. Fetishizing bacon
    Or chocolate!
  30. Over-50 people talking about Facebook/tech/internet in society
    Even worse when they suddenly turn to you to get your thoughts!
  31. When people overuse the trunk of the car
    What's wrong with the back seat? It's just one bag.
  32. Bathrooms without mirrors
  33. Bathrooms without paper towels.
    Drying your hands is NOT the only thing paper towels are good for! Give us the option.
  34. The fact that "next" when referring to days of the week is often ambiguous.
    "Next Saturday" ... "Like do you mean next Saturday or NEXT Saturday" ... "Like the Saturday that's coming up this weekend."
  35. Holding hands in groups
  36. When you're telling Europeans where you're from and they don't recognize Portland nor the name of one city on the West Coast that is closer to Portland than San Francisco.
  37. Waiting for your check to come.
    Always great to pay before
  38. When people say that Ringo is bad
  39. The word "crap."
  40. When people say their music taste includes all genres but country.
    "I'm just a chill guy, except when it comes to country music lol."
  41. The acoustic version of "99 Problems"
  42. The past tense of "lay"
  43. When Thai restaurants think they can combine the entire table's rice in a communal bowl.
    MY rice comes with MY dish.
  44. When someone is dictating a URL and they start by saying "W-W-W-DOT"
  45. When we have seven for bball and someone suggests we play 4-on-3.
    Not do I like subs
  46. The game Spoons
  47. When items in stores don't have clear price tags.
  48. When burgers have the cheese built into the patty
    Put it on top!
  49. When I correct someone on their pronunciation and they say "I say tomato you say tomahto."
    Like no, I never say tomahto.
  50. When people give me a high five after a good joke.
  51. Arts districts
  52. When you're meeting up with someone and you're walking towards each other and you are too far to say hi but you're making eye contact.
  53. "I was curled up in the fetal position."
  54. Instagram pictures of parents or grandparents.
  55. "I want that (food) in my mouth."
  56. When people deny the tonal implications in their speech.
    "I didn't SAY that." "Ye but u meant it."
  57. When people think hate lists are negative.