WHAT I WANTED TO BE GROWING UP, CHRONOLOGICALLY

A never-ending list.
  1. 1.
    A dog
    You mean sleep all day, play, be happy & fed without needing a full-time job? I was clearly wise beyond my years.
  2. 2.
    A teacher
    A total lie. But at least I knew better than the weird girl who blurted out "Princess."
  3. 3.
    A singer
    My first single: "Everything's Green In the Bathroom." I know, right? We could have gone platinum.
  4. 4.
    An TV informercial spokesperson
    Am I the only one who would conduct my own shows during bathtime? Let's not even discuss my obsessions with Nads.
  5. 5.
    A non-alcoholic bartender
    My ruby red grapefruit + fresca mixes are still all the rage.
  6. 6.
    A writer
    I owe all of my writing chops to Teen Open Diary.
  7. 7.
    A fashion magazine editor
    You know, when magazines were a thing.
  8. 8.
    A psychologist
    When reality hit and I realized that an English degree won't get you far but that all of my years dealing with my crazy family would.
  9. 9.
    A lawyer
    When I realized that all of the people in the Psychology department were actually crazy.
  10. 10.
    An advertising graduate
    When I realized that I was crazy and bored by all things law. Being able to work on cool brands? Sign me up!