THE SIGNS AS THINGS THAT HAVE SPILLED INSIDE MY PURSE
Note to self: STOP 👏🏽 PUTTING 👏🏽 FOOD 👏🏽 IN 👏🏽 YOUR 👏🏽 PURSE 👏🏽
- •Aries - Overripe bananaThe best intentions leave a disgusting, irrevocable mess. The banana guts stain everything and the smell never leaves. Throw the purse out.
- •Pisces - Poundcake crumbsHow much havoc can an opened dollar-poundcake wreak when you toss it in and immediately forget about it? This is a rhetorical question that will haunt me for the rest of my days.
- •Taurus - Eyeliner pencil shavingsThe pencil shavings in the pencil sharpener? Static. The pencil shavings in the pencil sharpener in your purse? Fluid.
- •Gemini - WaterThe most basic element that actual adults add flavor to in order to hydrate themselves, now covering every scrap of paper in my purse. Life force ruining my life.
- •Cancer - Bottled Starbucks beverageWas it not enough to be ashamed of this purchase to begin with? And now my hasty cap replacement allows my Jimmy Choo wallet to reek of Mocha™ until I can buy a new one at the swap meet.
- •Leo - Cookie crumbsCookies think they're a popular American pastime. I think they're an arrogant snack I should not have bothered stealing from my office had I known I'd be picking bits of them out of my hairbrush.
- •Virgo - Orange slicesHealth gone wrong. My water bottle and the book I pretend to read on the train are now covered in sticky health.
- •Libra - CurryIt's 2015 and you're an independent woman who confidently eats dinner alone. Fuck a bag, you say to the cashier. You throw it in your purse and make your way home, shuddering when you feel the container tip over.
- •Scorpio - Sugar-coating from candyWhen there's no time for the beach, what's a girl to do when she needs abrasive granules to destroy any remaining comfort left in her life? Eat some sugar-coated candies, like Sour Patch Kids, and let the sugar find its way into every corner of your life! Set it, forget it, and later, regret it.
- •Sagittarius - Blueberry pieYou loved your little sister so much you bought her her own blueberry pie from Magnolia on Easter. You loved her even more and put it in your Herschel backpack when she was done with it, and put all of your mortal faith in the paper bag it was already leaking through.
- •Capricorn - Expensive moisturizerYou take your makeup routine to-go, only to find the interior of your purse already wearing the first step of it. "She think she me," you think to yourself.
- •Aquarius - Cracker crumbsA horror story for all ages, as an innocent snack that you've trusted your entire life self-destructs, leaving you to find its guts covering your phone and lip balm. Who hurt you, crackers? Why would you leave me this way?