1. Flee a ghost town scam rape hotel without being scammed OR raped.*
    *V important to not enter this scenario unless you're as clever as us but you prob aren't.
  2. Watch 2 entire seasons of Southern Charm*
    *This can actually can and should be done anywhere but pairs best with a Four Seasons bed.
  3. Make friends with a wavy old morphine addict at the pool the first day then spend the rest of your trip avoiding her.
  4. Incorporate guacamole into every meal. Be creative!
  5. Complain about the fact that your masseuse shaved his arms and was rubbing you with his stubble. Receive 15% off!
  6. Farmacia!!!!!!!
  7. Call front desk on a minimum of 2 separate occasions and frantically request that they come kill large bugs and/or spiders for you.*
    *Best if this takes place after midnight. Note that this usually takes what is actually 5 minutes but feels like 30.
  8. Don't worry about having TMT* and leaving the pool without remembering to close your tab. They WILL chase you down.
    *Too Much Tequila