Things That Will Probably Happen at This Baby Shower I'm About to Attend

  1. Someone will ask me to hold their baby and it'll be weird when I politely decline
  2. I will be asked when I'm planning on having a baby
    I'll say 'never'
  3. Then I'll be told "you'll probably change your mind"
    To which I'll respond 'do you want to try that response again?'
  4. I will eat a shit ton of cake
  5. I'll probably go into a rant about how amazing the pelvic floor is and the female body in general
  6. Everyone will figure out I teach prenatal yoga and somebody won't be able to comprehend how I can love that and not want to have a baby
    This has happened to me before...
  7. And I will respond, like I always do, that I contain multitudes is how
  8. I'll eat a bunch of other food
  9. I'll get into an intense conversation with that one girl I've been trying to avoid... And I will hate it
  10. I will desperately try to leave
  11. But then I'll get stuck playing some weird game
  12. And I'll excuse myself to the bathroom and make a run for it
  13. My friends will not be shocked and will totally understand
  14. Everybody else might think it's a bit weird
  15. I'll leave happy I didn't totally flake out and not attend
    Something I am known to do...
  16. I'll be so happy for my friend for being a total badass and for being a beautiful pregnant goddess
  17. And I'll leave so happy that I'm also a goddess despite not wanting a baby
  18. Cuz we can all make the choices that are best for each of us!
  19. Then I'll eat even more cake!!
    That I snuck into my purse when nobody was looking