1. If I scratch on the door long enough, I'll be let inside.
    To be fair, she's technically not wrong. It's just that scratching on the door has no effect on the duration of her time outside.
  2. If I cry enough, I'll get dinner sooner.
  3. Any noise - real or imagined - is a threat to my life & must be barked at for seventeen minutes straight.
  4. People who don't want to pet me obviously have murderous intentions.
  5. Ripping up paper is the secret to eternal happiness.
  6. All bugs should be friends with me.
  7. Other dogs love it when I paw them in the face.
  8. The only reason the mail carriers & garbage collectors haven't murdered everyone in my family is because I bark at them.
  9. We've moved houses because I'm going to die.
    We moved a couple cities over two days ago & nothing I do will convince my dog that we just live a new house now & everything else is exactly the same & she has no reason to think she's unsafe.