SUPERHERO TEAM POSITIONS I WOULDN'T WANT (& THE ONE THAT I WOULD)

  1. Main superhero
    I don't have martyr complex so I would be terrible at this. Plus I'd be like, 'Wait, now all these supervillains are showing up, I think I made things worse, I guess I should leave this to the FBI or whatever?'
  2. Sidekick
    Too expendable. Superheroes go through these like water. No thanks.
  3. Love interest
    Even more expendable than sidekicks, plus you're always getting kidnapped & shit. Even worse when you don't even know you're dating a superhero. Hard pass.
  4. Tech guru
    Might be okay if the superhero didn't yell at you to work faster/be smarter/dumb down the science for their tiny meathead brain all the time.
  5. Mentor
    Great for one season/movie, but then you die :( Also, superheroes are whiny mentees & I don't have the patience for that.
  6. & THE ONE I WOULD: That person who basically just stays in the lair & shouts in the hero's earpiece to 'get 'em!' or whatever
    'RUN, FLASH!' 'FLY, FALCON!' 'SUIT UP, IRON MAN!' 'HAMMER, THOR!' 'SHIELD, CAPTAIN AMERICA!' 'BAT, BATMAN!' My position may seem superfluous, but I am actually the heart & soul of the team. Without me, Spider-Man might forget to spider! Plus, in the season finale I come out of nowhere & save everyone because I am actually the biggest badass on the team, it's just that I don't have a pathological need to put on a silly outfit & show off all the time.