SUPERHERO TEAM POSITIONS I WOULDN'T WANT (& THE ONE THAT I WOULD)
- •Main superheroI don't have martyr complex so I would be terrible at this. Plus I'd be like, 'Wait, now all these supervillains are showing up, I think I made things worse, I guess I should leave this to the FBI or whatever?'
- •SidekickToo expendable. Superheroes go through these like water. No thanks.
- •Love interestEven more expendable than sidekicks, plus you're always getting kidnapped & shit. Even worse when you don't even know you're dating a superhero. Hard pass.
- •Tech guruMight be okay if the superhero didn't yell at you to work faster/be smarter/dumb down the science for their tiny meathead brain all the time.
- •MentorGreat for one season/movie, but then you die :( Also, superheroes are whiny mentees & I don't have the patience for that.
- •& THE ONE I WOULD: That person who basically just stays in the lair & shouts in the hero's earpiece to 'get 'em!' or whatever'RUN, FLASH!' 'FLY, FALCON!' 'SUIT UP, IRON MAN!' 'HAMMER, THOR!' 'SHIELD, CAPTAIN AMERICA!' 'BAT, BATMAN!' My position may seem superfluous, but I am actually the heart & soul of the team. Without me, Spider-Man might forget to spider! Plus, in the season finale I come out of nowhere & save everyone because I am actually the biggest badass on the team, it's just that I don't have a pathological need to put on a silly outfit & show off all the time.