THINGS PEOPLE AT MY NEW JOB HAVE ASKED ME

basically, everyone who works here is a baby
  1. 'Can you take care of my gym request?'
    Yes, I'll email you when your card is activated.
  2. 'Are any of these packages for me?'
    Did you get an email saying you had a package? Then no.
  3. 'Do you have a thing I can hang my badge on?'
    Sure, here's a lanyard.
  4. 'No, I need something with holes in it...'
    Okay, here's a card carrier.
  5. 'No, do you have like a thing to put a hole in my badge?'
    You mean a hole-punch? No, I don't have one.
  6. 'Can you have A order me some noise-cancelling headphones?'
    No, go to Target & buy your own noise-cancelling headphones! But also yes, I'll let her know.
  7. 'Has my gym card been activated?'
    Did you get an email from me? Then no.
  8. 'Can you just have T bring my package to my desk? It's kind of heavy.'
    Yes, fine, whatever, weakling.
  9. 'Can you turn up the thermostat? I'm cold.'
    No, put on a sweater.
  10. 'So do you have like a thing to put a hole in my badge?'
    Still no.
  11. 'Do have any allergy medication?'
    No, go to CVS like an adult.
  12. 'Can I get a standing desk?'
    As someone who worked years at jobs where sitting wasn't an option, this pisses me off. Yeah, I know sitting is bad for you or whatever, but if you want to stand that badly, go get a job in retail or food service & free up a chair for someone who will freaking appreciate it!
  13. 'So do you have like a thing to put a hole in my badge?'
    Didn't have it yesterday, don't have it today, won't have it tomorrow. Stop asking me!
  14. 'Do you have aspirin?'
    Yes, thankfully, because now I need it!