So sorry if you went into this article thinking, "I remember liking that mediocre '90s show," and now you've discovered you're worse than racism. Well, you're not going to like this either: The X-Files isn't very good, and here are five other pop culture properties who don't deserve any of our nostalgia.(Full SEANBABY Column)
  1. Final Fantasy VII
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    So why are people so nostalgic for this game? The obvious explanation is that Final Fantasy was the backdrop for their least-embarrassing puberty moments. But you could also argue it helped establish an entire genre. Before Final Fantasy VII, RPGs as a genre were about as popular as colonoscopy diagnostic software and sex-offender databases. You couldn't even buy RPGs in stores. They were exclusively delivered to households who checked multiple "asexual" boxes on their government census.
  2. X-Men
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    The X-Men were superheroes designed to appeal to misfits and weirdos, which meant if you were the kind of person who read comic books, they had a good chance of resonating with you. The X-Men idea of embracing "the different" wobbled out of control almost immediately, and the writers were soon including every fringe science, foreign culture, and ridiculous power they could think of. It was like watching Steven Seagal movies from 1980 until now.
  3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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    Even if 1 percent of Ninja Turtle products were atrocious, that still accounts for more atrocity than any other thing in the history of civilization. And the actual percentage is much higher than that. If you can put a product on or into a human child, you can buy a lower-quality version of it covered in Ninja Turtles. When aliens dig through our remains, the artifacts from this era will convince them our society revolved entirely around torturing each other with barbaric turtle sorcery.
  4. James Bond
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    Bond's nonsense started to get decidedly less fun as the years went by. Pierce Brosnan was tortured by Koreans for years, which at least happened mostly off-camera. They zoom right in on Daniel Craig as he sits in a bottomless chair and had his nuts smashed with a rope. In Spectre, he gets strapped to another chair while Blofeld drills a hole into his skull. If they made Goldfinger today, Goldfinger would stay in the room and watch as the laser slowly crept toward Bond's crotch.
  5. Sex And The City
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    Sex And The City writers weren't exactly imbeciles, but they were supernaturally uncomplicated. They attacked problems with the child-like simplicity of cyborg soldiers, ones that never went haywire from flashes of their human memories. In other words, the show was written by perfect killing machines. The kind of remorseless monsters who can jump into a feminist debate and instantly win it by pointing out the unspoken physical differences between men and women.