EVERY REASON HAUNTED HOUSES ARE NEVER SCARY

Adam Tod Brown went to the scariest one in California! Here's why even that didn't shake him: http://goo.gl/urrtP4
  1. Too much info online.
    Word of mouth and online buzz is mandatory for these businesses to flourish. What that means is lots of scary trailers and even more articles and blog posts about the horrors that await anyone who dares go inside. Again, this is great for getting the word out and letting people know they truly should expect to be at least a little bit horrified by how these places reward your bravery. Unfortunately, what all of this information also provides is a quick and easy way for any fun hater to over-prep
  2. Jump scares are obvious.
    As things progress, different elements (loud noises, strobe lights, a dude wielding a power tool, etc) will be added to intensify the experience, but it all mostly relies on you not being ready for what happens when you turn the next corner. And since other people's panic (OPP) can be contagious,in a perfect world every haunted house would make the most clearly terrified person lead the rest of the group. Instead, every group is led by the asshole who ruins it by going through with the attitude
  3. Plot holes everywhere.
    For instance, there’s a Blackout Haunted House involving erotic horror, with a doll slash zombie woman who forces you to the floor and straddles you all sex-like. But before I could get swept up in the pretend necromance of it all, another thought wafted into my head and blew everything up: "She smells like grapes." Rotting flesh, even when confined to the head and face, should not smell delightful.
  4. Everyone’s an actor.
    I'm no criminal profiler, but seeing as how I'm in the Los Angeles area, my instinct tells me that the answer is something along the lines of "any out-of-work actor who understands that they're one minor skirting of insurance laws away from being replaced with transients hired through a day labor service."
  5. There are laws and stuff.
    The same thing that keeps filmmakers from just straight-up killing people on camera for entertainment should ultimately keep you safe in most haunted house situations as well. Don't ever lose sight of that, no matter how much that trailer tries to convince you otherwise. What happens to you might be visually horrifying or psychologically disturbing, but what it won't be is you actually getting maimed or murdered.