Killer Craft Projects For When You're Drinking Craft Beer
Set up with seven craft beers, I needed only to find the appropriate crafts to occupy my time while I drank, as is the custom of craft beer drinkers. On with it! (click for full column) goo.gl/Y2FU41
- •Naughty Neighbour American Pale Ale Plus Toilet Paper GhostsFor those not familiar, one makes a toilet paper ghost out of toilet paper. First, roll a meatball-sized wad of TP, then drape more TP over it like a sheet. Then garrote the little fucker with something that will hold the head in place, apply googly eyes, and hang from anything in your house to add festive scariness. It's fun and terrifying.
- •Barking Squirrel Plus Popsicle Stick Ninja StarOnce finished, I set to work with my Popsicle sticks, which I had to buy at a store, because I have no actual Popsicles, and eating enough for this project seemed ever so daunting. Five simple maneuvers later, I was cursing at a pile of wood and starting again. Another five and the fucking thing fell off the table. But then, on the next try, I really gave it my all, and look at this little bitch!
- •Mad Tom IPA Plus Macaroni ArtMad Tom has a bit of strength to him, with 6.4 percent alcohol and some hops that'll slap your mouth, but it's not bad at all. It's robust, is what it is. Plus I'm feeling mighty warm from the Barking Squirrel, so it's time to drink fast and bust out the construction paper for some macaroni arts.
- •Hops And Bolts Plus A Sock PuppetThis beer tasted vaguely like if someone eating a Jolly Rancher had used my glass first and left residue on it. It's time for craft #4, and it's a beast. A sock puppet. This involves not only procuring a sock but affixing eyes to said sock so it bears the realistic visage of a cotton-faced man with a hand up his ass.
- •Forbidden Dry Cider And Apple Head DollThe only appropriate craft to go with cider is a shrunken apple head doll. I briefly wondered if cider necessitated a craft at all. Was it craft cider? I don't know; I'd misplaced the empty can by that point. Still, no sense trying to work against the rules, just in case. A craft I would make.
- •Pompous Ass English Pale Ale And A Two-Liter Bird FeederPompous Ass English Pale Ale is as mild as a baby drinking skim milk during a Renee Zellweger movie. You could fall asleep in the middle of a mouthful. Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing. It's a big improvement over some of the crotch gravy I've tried in my day. This is a fine sittin' and drinkin' beer. At this point, clearly my crafting should be giving something back to the little people, and who are the littlest people you know? Birds. It was time to make a bird feeder.
- •Hops & Robbers Plus This ThingIncidentally, the beer is OK, but I'm not sure I'd call it extra delicious. Like regular delicious, tops. Pompous Ass was more delicious, and they didn't even use the word "delicious" on the can. Probably because they're so pompous they felt they didn't need to. And here's my fuckin' craft. It's gum with a googly eye and a screwdriver.