THANKSGIVING DISASTERS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS

🍗Turkey Day🍗 is less than a week away! And it will be the lousiest day of your existence if you don't read this list very carefully right now.
  1. Making a poison turkey.
    Wrongly or hastily defrosting a turkey can fill your entire family with food-borne illness. The safest way to thaw one out is to put it in the refrigerator about four days before cooking it. Yes. Four f***ing days. That's how long you have to plan ahead for just that part. To be more precise, it's 24 hours in the fridge for every 4-5 lbs. of turkey: http://goo.gl/U2lKfU
  2. Celebrating the Pilgrims.
    You can draw a straight line from our holiday back to the minimally murderous 1621 feast in Plymouth. But the catch is they didn't think they were having a Thanksgiving: http://goo.gl/vXJXfZ
  3. Eating pizza.
    The Onion once joked that Domino's would concoct something as outlandish as a Thanksgiving pizza. Little did they estimate the ingenuity of American obesity, because that's totally a thing now: http://goo.gl/OBFoVJ
  4. Cooking grandma's OTHER recipe.
    Old favorites are wonderful. But if she dips into her rustiest toolbox and whips up some old-school Snowy Chicken Confetti Salad, GOD HELP YOU: http://goo.gl/SnxxuQ
  5. Performing poultry science.
    Back in the '60s, poultry specialists observed that male turkeys seemed to only be attracted to the faces of females. (When have you ever seen a turkey stare at another turkey's ass? Never.) So clearly it was time to find out just how far into Crazytown they could take the idea. "Oh, you like faces, Mr. Turkey? Well let's see you mate with this!": http://goo.gl/6gu8Fm