THINGS IN EVERY PORN YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IN REAL LIFE

Sometimes porn stars do things so far removed from reality that it actually takes me out of it, kind of like the Wilhelm Scream in regular movies, but with much more dick. It's so frequent, people have started thinking those bizarre little porn tropes are what sex is. For the many of us, don't ever try ... (click for full) http://goo.gl/qsnSYa
  1. Slapping Someone's Genitals
    I'm positive that if you polled a representative sample of women, "I just love having my vagina manually assaulted" is not something you're going to hear often, though there are undoubtedly women who are into this. That's not saying much. Stand up, spin three times, and point at the first object you see -- there's someone who likes rubbing their crotch on that.
  2. Spitting
    It's legitimately repelling. When you spit in clothed situations, it's to show your disrespect for someone, or because you just put something gross in your mouth. Think about the implications you're making about your partner there. Unless you're doing some kind of racially charged police brutality roleplay, it's kind of insulting.
  3. Positions That Are Used Only In Porn (For A Reason)
    One frequent offender is the one where you're going in from behind and riding high, so to speak, which is again a visibility thing. It's so that the cameraman can get that awesome "between the legs" shot. What's happening on the receiving end is that you're being literally fucked sideways. There's a reason that's a curse -- it feels like one, in the "evil sorcerer" sense of the word.
  4. Ass-To-Anywhere
    Because I assume we're all adults here, I also assume we're all aware that Urban Dictionary is written by 12-year-olds and most of the horrifying sex acts defined there aren't actually part of any adult's sexual repertoire. Unfortunately, there are exceptions. I'm talking, of course, about the fabled "ass-to-mouth" -- that is, butt sex to blowjob.