HOW TO GO TO A SOCIAL GROWN UP PARTY AS AN ADULT IN THE WORLD

"Come on, Barbie, let's go party!"-Richard Nixon
  1. Pick out an outfit in your head the night before
    This is probably done while half-watching "Married At First Sight" or while staring absently at the wall during a 25-minute shower!
  2. Secretly decide that this outfit will solve all your problems
    You're gonna look like Gisele-Hepburn-Blanchett on her best day with her best lighting, and people will be so moved by your style that they will throw roses at you probably!
  3. Pick out in your head how your hair is gonna look
    Sleek ponytail, side bun fishtail, filet chignon, beachhead waves of grain - you're somewhat sure you read it in Cosmo or maybe you just saw it on Huffington Post or something and people will be so moved by your style that they will throw roses at you probably!
  4. Secretly decide that this hair style will solve all your problems.
    See above, also see Ariel's hair when she jumps up on that rock in that one scene, also see the part when people throw roses at you.
  5. Wake up it's the day of the party!
    Start fretting immediately!
  6. Misjudge your time management skills and only give yourself an hour to prep your "smokey-neutral-cat-eye-bronzer-peach-kissed-natural-showgirl" look
    Spoiler: it will take 2 hours and the number of Q-tip causalities will be staggering.
  7. Realize you've run out of time and desperately try to call an uber
    They will arrive in 2 minutes, allowing you just enough time to convince yourself that the lighting at this party is almost guaranteed to be dim and your hair is your best feature anyway!
  8. Oh right, your hair. Oh. Well shit.
    It's not looking great! Spray it with that beach spray and also use that hair oil that every salon sells! Your mom bought it for you 3 Christmases ago but it's still good I assume!
  9. Get in that uber! Take inventory.
    You got deodorant on your black jeans somehow and already your lip gloss has smeared! Is lip gloss even in? Your hair looks like you were involved in a terrible ship wreck and for some reason you can't stop applying concealer! But it's ok because you have a great personality my mom said!
  10. Arrive at party, ready to laugh and sip wine and not embarrass yourself!
    Immediately pound 2 glasses of lukewarm wine, eat a fistful of cheese, and check Instagram nonchalantly in the bathroom which you pretend to use for 12 minutes.
  11. Share something inappropriate and spill some of your drink on a fancy textile! (Any textile will do)
    In your head you were like Lucille Ball at Joan Rivers' dinner party, when in fact you were Tara Reid at Buckingham Palace. Someone excuses themselves and the other people start talking about a subject that is foreign to you! Check that Instagram account!
  12. Quietly leave!
    If anyone asks, just claim that you have an early day tomorrow! Then laugh loudly and say "boner killer!" Immediately regret saying "boner killer." Check Instagram in the elevator!
  13. You did it!
    You've really done it this time.