REAL LIFE DAD QUOTES

quietly but ecstatically documented from the backseat/kitchen table a few weekends ago
  1. "I call that neighbor 'Shiitake' because she talks a lot of shit."
  2. "I call that guy "Foxy" because it's code for 'what the foxy do all day?' Also I suspect he watches a lot of Fox News."
    Best said aloud for full comic effect.
  3. "We're gonna be putting in a shitload of swings right there."
    My parents have gotten really involved in their community and have lobbied Leslie Knope-style to get a beautiful park built. They have slowly but surely achieved this and are now planning the finishing touches.
  4. "He's like tits on a bull: USELESS."
  5. "Mommy's friend got us that weird artsy fish sculpture from an emerging artist. (leans in conspiratorially) 'Emerging'. From the men's room probably."
    This one was all about the delivery. I'm still not even entirely sure what the joke is here but man, it made me laugh.
  6. I inherited all my weirdness from him and love him so much I could 💥💥💥💥
    He's fully responsible for my sense of humor and my penchant for crying during Pearl Jam songs.