CONVERSATIONS I SWORE MY COLLEGE FRIENDS WERE HAVING ABOUT ME WHILE I WAS IN THE CLOSET

  1. Friend 1: Did Chris not come home to the dorm last night? Friend 2: Yeah, he said he passed out on the couch at the lightweight crew house. Friend 1: Hm. I bet he was just up late doing lots of heterosexual things with all those hot rower guys.
  2. Friend 1: Have you ever noticed that Chris never dates women? Friend 2: Yes, but he has all those best girlfriends. He probably can’t decide which one of them to date. Friend 1: That’s a very common problem.
  3. Friend 1: Who is that older guy from Chris’s Spanish class who keeps coming to our parties? He says Chris invited him but then Chris ignores him the whole time. Friend 2: Maybe he just wants Chris to help him with his homework, because Chris is so good at Spanish and homework
  4. Friend 1: You know, Chris’s friend Helkin that he went to high school with just told me that Chris used to fool around with boys at boarding school. Friend 2: I’m sure that was just a phase. Most guys who go gay in their teens end up being straight in college and for the rest of their whole lives.
  5. Friend 1: Do you think that is Chris’s natural haircolor? Friend 2: Yes, many people with blond hair have black eyebrows
  6. Friend 1: I heard Chris and Allison hooked up. Friend 2: Yeah I heard they got to third base. Friend 1: But when they got there, Chris said he didn’t want to have sex so they just cuddled instead. Friend 2: That exactly what straight 19-year-old men always want to do
  7. Friend 1: Did you notice on the bus to the crew regatta that Chris fell asleep on Dave’s shoulder? And then his hand was, like, resting on Dave’s thigh? It went on for at least an hour. Friend 2: Look, they were playing Snow Falling on Cedars, what do you want.
  8. Friend 1: Chris finally told me he is gay! Friend 2: But he didn’t tell me directly, so I still am completely clueless.
  9. Friend 1: I met Chris’s boyfriend, it’s that guy from Spanish class. Friend 2: Me too. I was very surprised. Honestly I don’t know what is up and what is down any more. Friend 1: I’m definitely going to only discuss this with you and the one other person that officially knows.
  10. Friend 1: Chris told me he climbed down the drainpipe outside his boyfriend’s room the other night, because the boyfriend’s housemates don’t know he is gay. Friend 2: That sounds very dramatic. I’m sure the housemates don't know anything and can't hear through those thin, rickety walls.
  11. Friend 1: I wonder if there will ever be a day where the world know this devastating, well-kept secret? Friend 2: I don't see how.