I often write these in my phone's notes and then forget about them and then rediscover them and I'm always like HUH? Each one is a single note on my phone
  1. Changed my tampon with a toothbrush in my mouth
    I wanted to tweet this and then decided it probably would never be as funny to anyone else as it is to me so I kept it safe and just told my friends about it in person. Part of the humor is of course that I wrote the note at all
  2. Thinking every computer played wall-e in the Disney movie wall-e
    I guess I just like the idea of this type of ignorance
  3. I'm just saying it's no surprise nobody writes songs about getting fingered
    1) this came about because I like the idea of singing any song with lyrics changed to be about getting fingered. It is 100% so so funny 2) also obviously there are no lyrics about getting fingered and that should be no mystery 3) love the conversational tone I use with myself in writing here re: "I'm just saying"
  4. Schwiggy schwiggy plasteeered🎶
    Probably means very drunk, would be fun to sing
  5. Name droppee
    I'm surprised no one says this
  6. Parents having friends is barely ok
  7. Human doormat elevated to the status of fraternity brother
    A not-so nice thing I thought about a very funny dumb person I know
  8. Scrouch slub
    Still unsure who or what this one is about