THINGS LEARNED AT METAL SHOWS

While I'm primarily a fan of indie rock, art rock and other off the wall stuff like noise rock, weird jazz, modern classical, etc., I thoroughly love heavy metal. Most of my friends do not though, so I wind up at these shows alone 99% of the time. It's always a leaning experience as well as entertainment. Let me explain....
  1. I saw the following three bands tonight...
  2. MELT-BANANA
    They're from Tokyo and a glorious force of nature. This was my fifth time seeing them. They aren't metal, but they're definitely heavy/noisey.
  3. THE MELVINS
    From Seattle-ish. They've been around 30+ years because they're awesome. Guitarist King Buzzo is a force to be reckoned with. Nirvana used to reference their influence.
  4. NAPALM DEATH
    From Birmingham, England. Brutally heavy metal (with a name like that?!?!?!?) that's also been at it 30+ years.
  5. There are a few truths metal shows reveal.
  6. (1) I am not tough. Probably 85% of the guys and at least 50% of the women at these shows could kick my ass. I'm probably one of the meekest, chillest, and most pacifist metal fans on earth. These folks are generally nice, but the mosh pits are furious and I've definitely outgrown that part of the experience.
  7. (2) My beard is only kind of awesome. My beard is full enough and good enough that strangers, both men and women, compliment it regularly (usually weekly.) Go to a metal show though and 75% of the attendees are sporting some Albus Dumbledore shit that'll make you question your devotion/ability to grow an awesome beard.
  8. (3) Ensure no one talks to you by not "dressing metal." I own lots of black clothing, but I like spicing things up at metal shows with a bit of color which is why I wore this green Sufjan Stevens shirt. It puts off the most grim of metal vibes IMO.
  9. (4) Make a mildly witty Twitter observation about said show, get RT'd to 60K people by band. I seem to get RT'd a lot by metal bands for some reason...probably because I'm the only person messing around on my phone. Metal fans don't seem to social media much during shows.
  10. You too are now ready to go to metal shows and feel as out of place as I do.