HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?

It is two years, today. I needed to write.
  1. Everything has a capacity.
  2. You can only put so much air into a balloon before it pops..
  3. Humans are the same. We can only handle so much.
    But, how much is too much?
  4. You may take that last drink that puts you over the edge..or eat that last bite..
    We've all been there.
  5. Our thresholds vary..they're influenced by circumstances, genetics, our mental capacity at the time, our ties/bonds with others to help us through..
  6. But, do our hearts have a capacity?
    When it's broken, how much room is left to continue to feel pain or continue to go on..? It's a strange dichotomy, that it's broken but we still want it to work.
  7. When IS enough, enough?
    And, I'm not talking about ending anything, so you know, I'm just saying sometimes I want to quit. Quit giving. Quit trying.
  8. I read your li.sts about the very real struggles a lot of you have. Capacities reached, thresholds crossed, feeling like you can't take one more thing or go on one more day.
    The struggles are real.
  9. Health issues, failed relationships, loss, anxiety and depression. All of us have SOMETHING.
    And some have more than their share. More than seems "fair", more than we feel we may be able to handle.
  10. And sometimes, I think, wait, what if karma isn't real? What if evil wins? What if it's a lie?
    And it stresses me out. Because I NEED it to be real.
  11. My normal outlets aren't working as well, lately. I feel defeated.
    When that happens, I usually try to focus on someone else that I may be able to help, or on searching for gratitude, or try to find some humor..(you here on this little app, help considerably in that department, and for that I'm grateful).
  12. I know that things don't always stay the same and there's light at the end of the tunnel, but is there?
    What if the stress keeps coming? Sometimes it does, it keeps coming..What happens if I just give up?
  13. What actually keeps us from wanting to quit? From throwing up our hands and saying GAME OVER.
    Again, I'm not talking death. I mean when we just stop TRYING..when we feel like nothing matters anymore.
  14. I am so wounded rn, that everything that's said, hurts, and things not said, hurt.
    When our hearts are whole, it's easier to let things go, but when there's a gaping hole EVERYTHING just FUCKING HURTS.
  15. One of my favorites.
    Quotes AND movies. And I believe this to be true, but it takes effort, a lot of work that sometimes I don't have in me.
  16. And it's true. It's much easier to be happy when everything is going right..what about when your life is turned upside-down?
  17. Talking (or li.sting) about things Is like letting a little bit of air out of the balloon so it doesn't burst.
    As well as other outlets we may have..family, friendships, hobbies, therapy..
  18. I'm not religious so the whole, "God only gives you what you can handle" is lost on me.
    And truthfully, after losing a child, I can say, how can that be? Why do some get to live and some don't. Who makes that decision?! I think it's random. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me.
  19. I mean, why do some go through life fairly unscathed and some are brutally smacked in the face with tragedy?
    And I don't just mean loss/grief. Severe health issues~mental and/or physical, poverty, traumas from violence..there are many who suffer multiple afflictions.
  20. They say TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, but to what degree?
    It doesn't, by the way. It may heal MOST wounds, but sometimes you're left with a scar that merely COVERS the wound. It may not be a gaping hole but it's never going to be as it once was.
  21. Our hearts were made to love. We can have multiple children and always make room to love each one, we can love multiple friends and family members..
  22. But when your heart is broken you don't have the ability to give like you can when it's whole.
    This is one of my greatest struggles. I still have children and people in my life that deserve my love and attention. And some days I'm so bitter I don't feel capable of giving anyone, anything.
  23. Because, sometimes there's just nothing left to give.
    My co-workers, my patients, my family, my BF, my close friends..they all expect a piece of me but when you're not whole, it's a constant battle.
  24. We are one less li.ster since I started here nine months ago..
    💞💞💞 @biz 💞💞💞
  25. I didn't know her but my heart ached to hear the news.
    Because I know she must have been in a great deal of pain to have ended her life and I know pain. But also because I ache for her family who is left to go on without her.
  26. I feel so alone most of the time. Like I'm on an island. Alienated. Even though I'm not physically alone.
    There are people around me who love and support me, but no one really understands how I feel ALL THE TIME, every day. By no one, I mean those I'm close to.
  27. There are days I don't want to do it anymore. The pain takes over and I want to crawl in bed and never leave.
    Sometimes I think about running away. Going somewhere where no one knows me, where no one can find me. Where no one would want/need anything from me..
  28. And then I feel incredibly guilty. Which makes everything even worse.
  29. There are triggers everywhere I turn.
    All day, every day, reminders that she's not here with me. That she's not here with her sister, her brother..and I hurt for them too.
  30. And I'm tired. I'm just tired.
  31. So, this morning I am lying in bed. I took the day off work, which is a given. I am going to journal and talk to my girl.
    A few of my friends also took the day off work and will be coming over to hang out, here in a bit.
  32. Last year they took me away, today I wanted to be home. The second year is actually harder..the numbness wears off, the reality sets in.
  33. We will do much of the same, though. They bring bubbles and cheese and snacks. We tell stories, we'll likely play some games. There will be pink balloons that we write on and let go. Tears.
    This tradition will forever be, on March 1st and her birthday, April 28th. This was last year💗
  34. My other two children have school today, and they live elsewhere, but we will touch base.
    I wish we could be together.
  35. Thanks for letting me vent and share (and ramble), and for contributing to my sanity.
    I am grateful to have found you all.
  36. Life is short.
    Do all the things you said you wanted to do. Say all the things you want/need to say.
  37. A few of my favorites♥️
  38. Forever and always💔